Today we were encourage to do something for the first time, that we hadn't otherwise.  And asked what to say and what not to say.  Well, I'm combining those two for yesterday and today, since they go best together. So, tonight for supper we had ice cream.  The kids thought it was great fun to have desert for supper instead of supper.  And it was nice to do something out of the ordinary.

What not to say:  "Everything happens for a reason" or `"It was God's will" or some equally depressing and fatalistic phrase.  These phrases are platitudes, they come by taking scripture out of context, and aren't remotely comforting.  When you stop to think you are saying that God causes death.  That He wants babies to die.  Death is a result of sin, and we are told that God will put up with sin and death for a season.  He isn't the author of sin and death.  I haven't yet come across a fellow loss parent who likes these phrases.  Instead be honest, say "I don't know why this happened, but we love you and are praying for you."

What not to say: "Something was probably wrong anyway" or "It's better this way" or some other attempt at putting a positive spin on a really bad situation.  Nothing is comforting about these phrases either.  This makes a loss mom feel like you are saying she would be such a terrible parent that the child is better off dead.  Sure everything is perfect in Heaven, and they have no sorrows there, but every parent wants to hold their children, every parent wants their children safe with them.  These phrases don't help the aching feeling we have in the absence of our children, and it is like saying we can't grieve because to want them is to want worse for them.  Instead of trying to diminish another's grief, just be with them in it.  Don't try to find answers to why it happened, instead just be there with them.

What not to say:  "You'll have other children" or "Be thankful for the ones you have."  These phrases try to gloss over the current pain and again make us seem ungrateful for the children we have or might one day have.  No one is interchangable, each and every human being is unique in there own way, one child doesn't replace another.  It's not like replacing a random item at Walmart.  Instead, acknowledge that their child is an individual, ask about them, ask about the dreams they had for them, acknowledge their right to grieve.

I could go on all night, but these seem sufficient for one post.  The main thing, is as uncomfortable as it might be put yourself in the position of another, and be open to allowing them to grieve with you.  Sometimes that means we need to talk, sometimes that means we just need someone to sit with us, and sometimes that means we just need time alone to sleep, while someone else figures out what supper is.