Today's topics were "Meaningful Mantra" with a photo challenge of a family portrait.  I don't have a updated family picture, so I drew one.  Ruth got a big kick out of watching me make a doodle.  (Though, now that I think about it, I suppose I had one of all of us at the hospital, and I think we all took one our first Sunday as a family at Church with Abigail's grave stone in the background.)  For me, sometimes I just have to continually tell myself that I am a good mother.  I rarely feel it.  And I think I doubt myself more since my loss.  I know in my mind that there is no reason why I should have known, and nothing I could have done about it, and that it's not my fault that I wasn't as knowledgeable about the effects of thyroid disease in pregnancy.  But it seems nearly impossible to shake the feeling that if I was a good mother, I would have known, I would have advocated for myself and Abigail, and that it wouldn't have happened.  When Britt is having a meltdown over some non-issue, I have to remind myself "I am a good mother.  His behavior is about where he is at, not about my parenting skills."  When Ruth is getting her feelings hurt about everything under the sun, and making everyone's life miserable, I have to remind myself "I am a good mother.  Her over sensitive self is not a lack of compassion in parenting."  When Rebecca is being willful and demanding, and I just want to scream and pull out all my hair, I have to remind myself, "I am a good mother.  Her behavior is something that will improve with age and training.  It's not a lack of discipline on my part."  When I find myself angry with her loss and missing Abigail, I have to remind myself, "I am a good mother, it's not my fault that she died."  When I am panicking about Katherine, did she sleep too long, is something wrong, is she eating enough.  I have to remind myself "I am a good mother.  She has everything she needs, and we will figure things out just like we did with the first three children."