10-27, Sunset

The photo challenge for today is "wishlist" and CarlyMarie asked us about our indestructible heart.  I'm going to include her entire writing prompt today:

As bereaved parents we hear things like “You are so strong” all the time. Interesting how many people do not feel it though. The truth is, we are pretty resilient. If you are here to read this, it means you have survived every difficult, horrific, tragic day of your life. That is all kinds of mighty. But we can be more than survivors. Charles R. Swindoll says “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” We have power here and we can change at any time. You are the author of your own story. How are you writing it? You have the power to live a beautiful life. What are you thoughts on this subject?

Today marks 2 years and 2 months to the day that Abigail was born.  My wish list is always the same I wish she was here.  It doesn't matter that she's living in an infinitely better state I wish she was here.  I'm infinitely selfish.  I'd like to wake up from a world post baby loss, and go back to a world where that little test equals a big happy baby  in 9 months.  It's quite impossible though, but sometimes you can't help but dwell on it.  In lieu of that, I'd like some really scientific research on a large scale into what causes loss, and ways to prevent it.  I'd like to see knowledge of PAIL month as big as breast cancer awareness month.  I'd like to see research dollars poured into this, and some really prevention as a result.  Most people I talk to in the community have no idea what happened.  How in 2017, can we be content to say who knows what happened oh well.

I don't feel strong, but one of the verses on the bracelet I have is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  In what has been without a doubt the hardest times in our life.  Harder than all the unemployment harder than the cross country moves, harder than leaving home when I got married.  When I have continually felt at my lowest, at my most pathetic, without even the ability some days to crawl out of the bed except to refil the cups of small kids and change the dvd.  In the days where I function at top notch, but feel numb and detached.  In all of these aweful times, the strength that people have apparently seen, can not be explained as anything other than the power of Christ.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that we are the author of our own story that we can write it.  I think things happen much beyond our control.  The biggest lesson all the months of unemployment taught me, is that even though I wish it were not so, something are simply out of my control.  And sometimes there is nothing to do about how I feel about it.  I have often told Gary I wish he could just "fix me" I hate the seasons of depression.  He has often remarked that there is nothing to fix.  Sometimes you just have to admit this is what you feel and get through it.  I like to think despite all of this, that I have made the best of a bad situation.  I like to think that we have seen beauty from the ashes.  I like to think that we have been able to find positives along with the grief.  And it is true that while I wouldn't volunteer to be here, that I selfishly want her back to cuddle with on the couch, I have grown as a person because of it.