For almost a year now, I've been coloring in a coloring book that Joan Ellen found for me.  It has the words to "It is Well, With My Soul" in them.  Each phrase has an accompanying picture.  Most of them have been nature pictures, which are always my favorite.  I have trouble just sitting still.  I have always wanted to have a book to read, or sit and crochet in the car.  Even just sitting with Gary in the evenings when he is watching tv, I feel like I need to keep my hands occupied.  Lately I've been doing that by coloring.

Tonight I finished Abigail's stocking, 219 days after I began it. The cross-stitch turned out beautiful, stunning even. The felt backing not quite so much. It was a project unlike anything else I have made. And there is a sense of having accomplished something very meaningful, and yet I am sad about finishing it. Much like picking out, paying for, and seeing her stone after it was placed. A finality of feeling there is nothing else to be done for her. Other loss parents talk about the difficulty in parenting a child who is gone, and the truth is you can't. But the great irony is that the need to parent doesn't just disappear with them, it remains a very present feeling.

This project has been a way to grieve as well. I have worked on it when the sadness has been too overwhelming to do anything else. I have worked on it when I have been happy to have had her in our lives. I have worked on it when I was alone, when I wanted to be alone, when I wanted to be with others but felt out of sorts, and while having a good time with those we love. I have talked to God while working on it. I have worked through some anger. And I have had some of the most peaceful moments since her loss while cross-stitching.  Working on it I have settled on the answer of how many children I have - four.

I have thought a lot about our family while working on it. In the three geese flying, I see our three living children. A male and female cardinal reminds me of Gary and me.  The Church resembles both of our two Churches - Old Carroll and Little Union.  Most of all the sled in a snow bank against a tree has from the very beginning seemed to me like a tombstone.  I obviously look for too much symbolism. In my insanity I had to reverse the pattern so that it would hang like the others we already had. And I used Mother's gold thread to add something extra to the hanger. Gary tells me that her stocking will make the rest of ours appear shabby.

I am glad I made it for her and for me. Now I suppose I will find another project to work on. I am thinking I am finally read to start writing all those thank you notes from Abigail's funeral that I couldn't bear to do at the time.

10-29-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 27, Self-Portrait

After co-op this morning, I took the kids to Chickfila for lunch. While they played in the play place, I took 2.5 hours to finally do my griefwork project from a few days ago, the one I skipped. I knew when I read through the list of topics at the beginning of the month that I wanted to sketch one. I had Britt take the digital camera, and snap a couple of photos of me across the table, and then I used one to draw, since I didn't have a mirror handy. I'm not sure that I've sketched anything since the week before Gary and I got married. Nothing dates past that in my sketch book anyway. I feel like I'm incredibly rusty at best, and that the proportions are still off.

10-19-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 19, Music

I've already written pretty detailed about "Be Still My Soul" which the kids have begun to call Abigail's song, when I wrote about triggers, so I won't write about it again. I have always adored music, it speaks to me. I can't really make music, though I piddled with clarinet in high school. I can't really sing despite singing schools, though I love to. When we moved to the valley and ridge area of PA, where the radio changes stations every few miles down the road, every time you cross a ridge, and the only good service is on top of them, I just about quit listening to country on the radio. I still love my cds that I have loaded on the ipod I bought in college, but we primarily listen to singing tapes and cds. We have some from annual meetings of congregation singing (those are our favorites). We have others from singing schools (Gary went to ALOT of those before me). We have some that were done by various Churches, families, or groups in a studio.

These songs have become even more precious to me during this ordeal. I have always loved to sing, but often now I just cannot. I can remember having bronchitis one time, and having no voice, and I just couldn't stop myself from singing, from trying to anyway. Now I sometimes, just cannot find my voice. But that's ok, because mostly I just need to listen to them. Sometimes I just need a minor, it's not even about the words, but the tune that my soul cries out for when my own cries can't even be translated to words. Sometimes I need to hear the words of the hymn writers that have been through great trials. Sometimes I need to remember what He has done, to help me remember that there is more than this. Sometimes I need to hear a song about Heaven, and let my imagination roam with wonder.

Three tapes have been favorites for me throughout the last several months. The first is "All the Day Long" which has "Be Still My Soul" on it. The second is "Nearer, My God, to Thee" which was recorded by Bethel Church in Mississippi after a singing school. Both of these are fairly mellow in their song selection, and peaceful feeling. The third one is the outside singing tape from the Camp Meeting in 1999 at Bethel Church in Texas. It is funny to listen to it because I can remember, and nearly be transported back to that 14 year old girl who was amazed at the number of young people, and was on cloud nine when shape notes were first explained to me sitting under the tabernacle after lunch, learning fuging tunes. There are many different songs, and they all serve different purposes, but the first song on that tape is "Eden of Love." While I loved it then, I really love it now. In the Good Old Songs book it is set to a minor that doesn't fit the words at all, but out in Texas they singing it to the most joyful tune you've ever heard. One day listening to it, it made me wonder. The second verse hit me like a ton of bricks. If perhaps at that very moment while we were singing praises, if Abigail was too. And while perhaps it is too simplistic a view, after all Heaven is outside of time, it brings a sense of closeness with both her and my Saviour, with all of God's people really, that almost makes me feel whole. Then the third verse points to the fact that one day I'll be there and sing praises in His very tangible presences. You can't help but be happy to hear and dwell on that thought.

1. How sweet to reflect on the joys that await me
In yon blissful region, the haven of rest,
Where glorified spirits with welcome shall greet me,
And lead me to mansions prepared for the blest;
Encircled in light, and with glory enshrouded,
My happiness perfect, my mind's sky unclouded,
I'll bathe in the ocean of pleasure unbounded,
And range with delight through the Eden of love.

2. While angelic legions, with harps tuned celestial,
Harmoniously join in the concert of praise,
The saints, as they flock from the regions terrestrial,
In loud hallelujah their voices will raise;
Then songs to the Lamb shall re-echo through heaven,
My soul will respond, to Immanuel be given
All glory, all honor, all might and dominion,
Who brought us, through grace to the Eden of love.

3. Then hail, blessed state! hail, ye songsters of glory!
Ye harpers of bliss, soon I'll meet you above,
And join your full choir in rehearsing the story,
Salvation from sorrow through Jesus's love.
Though imprisoned in earth, yet by anticipation
Already my soul feels the sweetness above
Of joys that await me when freed from temptation
My heart's now in heaven the Eden of love.

8-25, Abigail's Memory Box from the hospital

It has been two weeks since Abigail was born.  Two weeks isn't so long, but the day before Monday August 24th was a lifetime ago.  In two weeks my iv bruise has nearly faded away, my milk has come and gone.  Physically I'm pretty much back to my normal pre-pregnancy state, other than I am still nearly 15 pounds heavier, and can only wear maternity pants.  Talk about an insult, to still be wearing maternity clothes, but have no baby.  Who knew that the simple act of getting dressed each morning would be like a daily slap in the face.

Like I said, I am pretty much physically back to normal, but I think there are now some scars that will never completely heal.  Things that you can't see from the surface.  I feel like a complete fake, trying to keep it together, and act the way that you are suppose to in public in front of people, like nothing ever happened.  The loaded question came today, I was asked how many children I had by a perfect stranger at the nail place.  I answered four, but for once didn't elaborate.  After all no one wants you to bring down their day.  No one wants to hear you just had a stillbirth.  No one wants to deal with someone who randomly burst into tears with absolutely no rhyme or reason.  I don't even want to deal with me right now.  The me who has unwavering faith and believes without a doubt the truth that He is real, and He is returning for His people, and we will all have peace in Heaven with Him.  So why doesn't my daily walk reflect that.  Why if I know these things, and feel these things as strongly as I do, why am I like this?

But how can I act normal like people want and expect, like nothing ever happened, as if Abigail never existed?  Because she did and she mattered.  I don't want to forget her, and I don't want everyone else to either.  How can I function without feeling like it's just a show?  How can I grieve without wallowing in it, and throwing one of Bro. David's legendary Pity Parties, complete with poor me punch, and sad sack sandwiches?  How do I find a new normal?  I suspect that it is something that I will be grappling with for some time.

I have mentioned once or twice before that I'm a bit of an obsessive planner.  It's my personality, that I like to have things organized and planned out, and detailed.  I like to do list, mostly because I love checking off things, and having proof that despite the fact that I am home all day and don't feel like I have accomplished meaningful things, that I have indeed been busy working.


When it comes to school though, I HAVE to do some planning.  First, I have found if I don't make some plans, we aren't that productive.  there is always something that needs doing on the Church website or something that needs cleaning and if I don't make plans and prioritize school, it won't happen.  Second, as I've mentioned before PA is kinda of an intensive state with the homeschooling regulations.  We still don't have to legally file, because Britt isn't 8, but I have been able to take the last two years and tweak what I think school is, and how to keep up with school without the government getting in my way.  I feel like if I keep adjusting things, by the time I do need to file, we'll have a pretty great system in place.  Of course the added bonus for us right now, is that if we move states for a new job and need to file, I've already got the paperwork to show what we've been doing, if I were to need it.




So, this year for our 3rd year homeschooling, I am using yet another new planner.  This time I think I might have actually found something that really works for us, at least for now.  I decided to get the Erin Condren Teacher Planner this year.  Since it isn't actually made for homeschooling, and since I wasn't sure if I could justify the price, I got online on a Facebook group back in January, and managed to get a copy off a lady that was selling an extra she had, for $40.  I thought for that price, I could tweak and experiment with it, and see if it would work for us.  And a month and a half into our school year I am loving it.


First, let me tell you what didn't work for me in last year's book.  1) It wasn't made well.  After a year of use, well really way before then, the weak plastic coil wasn't holding up, pages were tearing out, and the covers were seriously beat up.  2) No pockets or page protectors of any kind.  That meant I was paper clipping EVERYTHING into the book, and once again, that didn't help my coil and cover problems.  3) Too many pages that weren't useful for me.  I found most of the end of the book extras just not work able for me, there was semester planning, and monthly goals, and the 180 checkmark boxes, and curriculum planning pages.  I think off all that I used one of the curriculum planning pages right before CHAP convention, to make notes for purchases this year.  I just couldn't think of a good way to repurpose them either.  4) It was so boring looking.  I know this sounds crazy, but it's hard to be motivated to do school the end of Feb, beginning of March, when it's bitter cold outside, and you've been grinding away at the daily stuff for a good five months, and the book just didn't help.


 So now, I can share why I am liking my EC Planner so much better this year.  1) These things are made SO well.  I mean seriously.  Those coils are amazing, stuff doesn't come out, the pages that have tabs are reinforced, they don't come out.  The covers, are interchangeable just like the regular life planners, but they are made really well, heavy duty lamination.  The cover I used on my LP since last Oct, finally started to show some wear in May, so I swapped it out.  This planner I've been carrying around since January when I started working on it, and it still looks pristine.  2)  Their is a pocket and page protectors.  Ok, so there aren't any page protectors in mine, but you get 1-3 when you order one on the website, depending on how many you want.  This year (again not on mine) they have redone the folders so they are suppose to be even more sturdy.  My folder in my LP is starting to tear, I keep alot of bills stuffed in one side and coupons in the other side, so this one might show some wear, but it's so nice to have one.  3) It is so colorful, and bright, with happy quotes and patterns.  It makes me want to do lesson planning.  Even better it makes me want to pull it out and see what's on the plan for today.




Now here's the only catch, to be really useful for a homeschooler, you are going to need to get creative with some of the pages, that are really geared toward the public elementary school teacher.  I didn't mind doing this, because I feel like for the most part, it's easy to do.  The pages are mostly set up that you just change a few headings and wa-la.  Plus again it gave me the chance to be crafty and have a little decorating fun.  And since these serve as a record for our year, it's kinda like our school scrapbook, and I don't mind a little decoration.  I don't have the first page in mine, the lady before had her personal info and passwords on it so she tore it out.  I took the Helpful Hints for the substitute page, and turned it into our title page.  With our school name and such over the top, and then on the sides, I added some of my EC labels that I use for color coding appointments and such.  I wrote down what the kids most were interested in learning/doing for school this year on those. I will probably write their favorite part of the year at the end on the bottom lines.  The Birthday pages - I covered Birthdays with Field Trips, added some cute washi, and have a nice place to record all those fun out of the house things we do.  I used the year planning pages, but more on how in a later post.  (Next year I might would swap the two, since with more than two kids, I need more room to yearly plan, and I don't need quite as many lines for field trips.)  The attendance pages, became fantastic book logs, and I can even check them off when we are done and they go back into the library bag to be turned in.  I didn't have anywhere near enough of these last year, and they were so messy.  These are very neat, but since the kids are reading more, I'm taking some of the blank graph paper that follows them and making some extra book list, just in case.  I have a couple pages for science, and for history, lots for independent reading and just books for fun. I also used some graph paper to plan out our garden, which we do along with school each summer.  I again reversed the order for the lesson plan pages, but this year I printed my own labels, because that made everything much neater.  (I got a bonus 52 weeks of plans in mine, because the lady before me had added weeks to it, before deciding to sell it.  I HOPE Erin Condren will added in more weeks next year for those of us who find ourselves schooling mostly year round.)



I have also used the student checklist as chore charts for the kids (I'll have to write more on that in another post too.)  The notes pages have been great.  I know they have been changed up some this year, so I'm not sure how I would like that.  I use the one at the end of each month to note month goals and accomplishments, like the sight words we have worked, an evaluation of how the month went, and any monthly notes I need to reference for adjustments.  I have more room than I need so I am also using them to glue in art work from the kids, pictures of things we have done or places we have gone.  And occasionally my own stress relief artwork.  These are super important to me.  The notes at the end of the book, I used as a space to do some goal setting in general in each important area (either by the law, or things I felt essential).  These were really great to help me rough out my objectives for the year, before I typed them up all official for our paperwork, and before I sat down to try to do my yearly planning.  As for the monthly spreads, they are at the front, I've just come to accept that's the way they are with teacher planners, and they have an odd lay out (this year they went to a more normal looking layout), but I have really enjoyed decorating them, noting big events outside of the house, and logging our days/hours on them.
















Now, could I have done all of the remakes with a cheaper planner?  Maybe?  I can say that watching the videos and looking through pictures of how other EC fans have used their planners to homeschool, gave me a ton of great ideas.  I like the heavy paper and better coil of the EC, and of course the bright colors are inspiring as well.  Ultimately I think that for alot of other planners out there, it would have required alot more work, and that while I changed some headings and decorated uptop, the page lines and set up where more conducive to changes, than alot of other planners.  I also could have made my own the way I wanted, but the paper wouldn't have been as good, the ink would have cost me a fortune and I really don't have the time for that project.  Next year, I think I will again buy an EC.  I might get one in May when they clearance out the previous year's version, or I might wait and see if they will have an option for 52 weeks of lesson plans in the 2016-2017 edition.  However, I'm pretty sure I've found lesson planner peace with this set up.

I mark birthdays and anniversaries so that I don't forget.  I note everything that has a set time on the monthly spread.  For me it's the most useful part of the calender.  I normally use the side margins to make notes, that I might want to flip back to, some that I pulled out of last year's calender to note for this year were the phone number to the JC Penny portrait studio, the directions to our polling place, and some notes about when would be good times in the year to plan trips home.

However, the bulk of the pages in a planner, I've never really known what to do with.  I don't have things that have to be done in a particular order or time, and I've never liked the vertical, hourly blocks.  I typically use them for journaling either what went on during the day, or whatever I am thinking about.  Gary jokes that the journaling keeps me sane.  I can make sense of things, and write things that shouldn't be posted for the rest of the world to see.  It is nice stress relief.  I also being able to look back and see funny things the kids said or did, and it's nice to be able to see that I did accomplish something, looking through my check list.


In the past, I've always just used a generic planner, usually from Staples or Home Depot.  However, last year even the off brand, most basic models were $35 a piece.  This year I heard about Erin Condren Life Planners, and went to check them out.  At first, I thought I'm not about to spend $50 on a planner.  They are gorgeous and all, and personalized, but still.  Then I saw where I could get a $10 off coupon on one.  That really didn't make it much different in price, but still I hemmed and hawed about getting one, because some things are really different.



I found more than just ideas though, when I was looking around online and thinking about if I wanted to get one or not, so I took the plunge.  I found out that tons of people actually do more than just plan and note, but that they decorate, almost like scrapbooking.  I thought it was a neat idea, and picked up some sticker books for $1 at AC Moore.  I spiced up my monthly spreads.


And it turns out even with my journaling, and in some places I'm now making to do list or errand list, I often have some space left over in my days.  So here and there, I've added some thick washi tape, or sticker sheets cut to size.  I'm really really enjoying my happy looking planner.  I've really been wanting to get back to scrapbooking, but I feel like I need to go back to where I stopped and go forward from there.  It will require printing years of photos that are on the hard drive.  In the meantime, this is a easy, creative, and not really time consuming alternative.

End of Summer

October

(If you want to look around the website, she does tons of other things too.  I'm think about doing a little Christmas shopping from her.  Anyway, you can use this link, and get $10 off, and I'll get $10 off my next order.)