For almost a year now, I've been coloring in a coloring book that Joan Ellen found for me.  It has the words to "It is Well, With My Soul" in them.  Each phrase has an accompanying picture.  Most of them have been nature pictures, which are always my favorite.  I have trouble just sitting still.  I have always wanted to have a book to read, or sit and crochet in the car.  Even just sitting with Gary in the evenings when he is watching tv, I feel like I need to keep my hands occupied.  Lately I've been doing that by coloring.

6-7, Heading to bed for the night.

Today marks 2 weeks since Katherine was born.  It's been a great 2 weeks, even though we are operating on less sleep than normal.  With the other kids away in Alabama on vacation, it's been like a vacation.  I don't have near the work load around here that I usually have, and I can take naps when Katherine is napping.  She has done exceptionally well with breast feeding, and with riding in the car.  We are getting two long sleep stretches out of her: one at night and one during the day.

6-8, Running errands with Momma.

I have always liked the newborn stage.  They are so cuddly, and no one minds if you stay home to rest and snuggle babies.  They eat all the time, but other than that they really aren't any trouble.  You sit them down, and they don't roll or crawl or run off.  They don't back talk or destroy your house when you are in a different room.  And did I mention just how cuddly you are.  I had forgotten just how soft they are, and how the smell, and the way they just fit so perfectly on your collar bone under your neck.

6-4, Katherine's first Sunday at Church.

Don't get me wrong.  I miss my sleep ALOT, and I have NEVER enjoyed breast feeding.  Though I will say it's not so bad this time, as I remember.  The recovery from birth this time has been tougher than it was with the others.  And I know there will be a stressful learning curve when we add the three oldest back into the mix, and I finish taking back over the household chores and routines from Gary.

6-5, Momma and Kate.

I've always liked the newborn stage, but this time it's all the sweeter. I mentioned the following morning after Katherine was born that "not everyone gets pregnant who wants to, not everyone gets to keep the babies they get pregnant with, not everyone gets a rainbow baby after enduring a loss, and being acutely aware of that this pregnancy made today all the more special." There has been so much joy with this baby.  And the relief at her arriving safely, was seriously like going from standing in the bottom of the Mariana Trench with a sack of weighs in each hand, to bouncing around on the Moon with practically no gravity. There really just aren't enough words at the relief it is to hold her, and known that she's ours to keep, and she's not going away.

6-4, Daddy and Kate

Labor this time, like our pregnancy was very emotional.  I didn't know what to expect, and in all honesty the last two weeks, I was more anxious and stressed than I had been before with the exception of the week in pregnancy that we lost Abigail.  I was so afraid that we had come all this way, to the point that we could safely relieved a baby, only to wait too long and lose another one.  Even during labor, it was hard to remember the three healthy births we had, I could only remember the terrible outcome from the last labor.  I can remember telling, maybe more asking Gary, that this wasn't Abigail, and that it wouldn't end that way would it?

5-31, Daddy giving the girl her first bath.

Having Katherine here has also been healing to my heart.  I still miss Abigail, and I still wonder who she would have been.  But having the chance again to mother a baby and see her grow has given me a sense of peace that was still alluding me.  It's not that she's replaced Abigail, and I don't think like some loss moms, that I am getting Abigail back again in Kate.  Rather, she has brought hope back in our life.  And, just in case, this is our last baby, I am soaking it all up.

6-3, Cuddling in the bed.

Gary and I were a bit discouraged at our Monday doctor's appointment to find out that my contractions had done much, and that Kate was still pretty high.  Dr. Leo strongly recommended giving it another week, but after talking about it we talked about revisiting the issue on Thursday.  I went up to see him again Wednesday morning, and saw very little change.  He still recommended waiting, but we had decided that we wanted this baby here by Thursday night one way or the other.  He warned of the increased likelihood of needing a c-section, and told us to be prepared for a 24 to 48 hour labor not one of my short labors.  He scheduled us to come in Wednesday at 4 to start the process overnight, and said he'd see us about 5 on Thursday morning.


The nurses all thought he was crazy to schedule an overnight induction for a fifth pregnancy, particularly with my speedy delivery history.  But I didn't want to get my hopes up.  Within a few hours we had regular contractions, by 9 I told Gary there was no way we'd be sleeping tonight.  When I reached a 6 and my water broke even though she was still at a station -3 (WAY up high), and the nurse called Dr. Peterson who was on call to come right away.  In less than an hour Kate was born, and this time Gary didn't have to catch.  Dr. Peterson, told everyone that he doesn't know why Dr. Leo scheduled an induction for his night on call, instead on his own night on call. haha.  Dr. Leo came in this morning, shocked, and said he's never going to live this down.  They all were giving him a pretty hard time as he left this morning.


Katherine was born at 11:24, May 24th, 2017.  She weighed 8 lbs 12 oz, which makes her our heaviest baby to date.  She was 20 inches long, same as Rebecca.  She has a head full of dark hair, and is the spitting image of Ruth and Gary with her Cunningham ears, the flat rounded nose, and big ole cheeks.  She also has the same squish eyes as Ruth.  She doesn't care to open them much, but they look dark blue like the others did.  They did some extra blood sugar test over night since she is in the 93% for her gestational age.  The first one came back a little low, but the rest have been fine.  She has actually nursed quite a bit - nearly an hour the first time, and about 5-10 minutes every hour for the next 3. which was a surprise, I can't recall any of the others doing so well so quickly.  She is sleeping away right now.  They expect to release us tomorrow morning first thing.

May 1, 36 weeks 2 days, face shot.  Look at those big old cheeks.  She's going to look like Gary and Ruth, I'm sure of it.  Still holding out hope for red hair though.

Monday afternoon I had my 38 week appointment.  Everything went well.  I'm so excited to finally be down to the end.  It feels real and yet surreal to realize that we should have a baby by this time next week at the latest.  The plan is to go in Monday afternoon, and set definite induction plans for that day or beginning of the week, depending on how things look.

35 weeks.

May 1, Kate's foot.

My parents are planning to take the entire day on Friday to drive down.  They will be here about a week.  So, anytime after that sounds like a good time to have a baby  They have plans to take the older kids back to Alabama with them for a few weeks.  We've not worked out all the details of how long they will stay, but that should help too, with adjusting to having a baby back in the house.  I'm hoping when they come back, that they can stay over a little while too.  Having Mother around with 4 kids in the house would be wonderful.

May 1, Profile shot.

Now, we are just playing the waiting game.  And before you ask, don't ask about whether or not the contractions are picking up, don't ask when I think we'll go into labor, just don't ask.  Let's be honest Ruth came 19 days early, and Rebecca came 10 days late.  Three of our four children had to be induced.  I doubt this one is any different.  Besides, do you really think I had her and just didn't tell you?  Seriously though if one more person asks, I'm ready to tell you people 3 weeks after she gets here, that by the way, she arrived.

38 weeks on my 32nd b'day.

Today, I took the gift cards and money that we were given for Kate, and after my final MFM appointment, Britt, Ruth, Rebecca and I headed over to Babies R Us.  I picked up almost everything that was still left on my list (still debating on the bumper, and there were a few little things the store I went into was out of).  So tonight, I was able to put the last of that stuff together.


Of course this room will still primarily be a guest room.  After all Kate will sleep in the cradle in our room until she sleeps more or less through the night, or outgrows the cradle.  I might put her in here for naps, but we'll still need a place for company.  I really love how everything has come together the coral and teal and sage green with little bits of pink here and there.  It's so feminine and yet not super girly.

I really loved getting to hang out with all the ladies that came up to Panera Bread for the shower.  Now, that we live so far from Church (and let's be honest, we haven't been close (location wise) to our Church family since Rebecca was born), it was extra wonderful to be able to just sit and listen to all these ladies that I admire.  It's good to visit with so many special friends.  And did I mention Panera Bread.  Last time we ate there it was winter in PA on the way home from Church.  So that would have been winter 2014-2015?  I love their tomato soup, and their bread, and their paninis.  Anyway, it was delicious too.














We got several things that we needed for Kate.  A changing pad for the diaper bag, some pacifiers, bath stuff, a baby bullet for making baby food again, diapers and wipes (you can't get enough of those).  Then we got some adorable things.  Like little onesies and some beautiful pictures for her room.  Sis. Linda made the prettiest blanket.  We also got two cute little lovies just the same that I can attach a pacifier to.  We were very adamant about not using a pacifier for the girls because Britt managed to turn one backwards, and get it behind his gums to choke on it.  I threw them all away that afternoon.  But, it is proving difficult to break the thumb sucking at 6 and 4, so I thought maybe we could try pacifiers again, and just ALWAYS keep them on some sort of clip, so I loved those.  Of course the girls are insisting that I sew a mouth on the lovies because they have eyes and a nose, but no mouth. haha.













We also got a few gift cards, and some cash.  Apparently the Babies R Us there in Brandon was out of several items, so we are planning on Monday or Tuesday when we are in town to pick up a few last things that people wanted to get.  The last two days I've worked on our nursery/guest room.  I moved some of the furniture around a bit to make things fit better, put together the baby bed, washed up everything I still needed to wash, and had Gary hang some pictures yesterday.  It's really looking nice.  She's going to have the prettiest nursery of all the kids.

4-3, Kate's big chubby cheeks just like her Daddy.

I'm at 32 weeks and 3 days now.  I will now be having weekly appointments with Nonstress test and biophysical profiles.  I do feel better about the idea of having a weekly ultrasound just to check on things.  My anxiety hasn't been as bad in the last few weeks.  But I am still having weird dreams, and some bittersweet moments.

Pregnancy sleep is really weird. I've always had strange and vivid dreams. PAL sleep (pregnancy after loss) is even weirder. I can't get a break even at night. In my dreams Kate and Abigail get all mixed up.  I dream about Abigail and our loss, or I dream about Kate dying and having to pick out another tombstone.  The most common recurring dream, is one where Kate is born, and something isn't right and they wisk her off, before I can even see her.  I always wake up before I find out what is wrong or if she's going to be ok.

4-3, Does she have my Daddy's chin, or is it just the angle?

Last week at the MFM office everything checked out on the fetal echo-cardiogram.  Kate was measuring about 4 lbs, 1 oz.  I've had a few spells of nearly blacking out, one where I actually did.  They decided that it's because my blood pressure is always so low.  I've noticed my heart rate is getting pretty high when it happens too.  They advised take it easy, drink more water, and eat more salt.  In fact the doctor told me that I could have as much bacon as I wanted.  She was breach at the time, and when I asked when to be concerned, she told me not to be.  Apparently 95% of babies turn by week 36, that she had room and time to turn several more times.  She showed me where her head was, which explains why that part of my stomach has been so sore and feels over stretched out.

Sure enough this past week, she turned down, back up, and down again.  At the ultrasound in the OB office yesterday, she was head down.  Yesterday for the first time in months, we got to see some of the 3D shots.  The kids were really amazed by them.  I had fun showing them to Gary yesterday.  She looks alot like Ruth did to me.  She has big cheeks and Gary's nose.  We have debated if she has my dad's chin, a feature he'd rather not pass on.  Gary was insistent she was another blond, while I remain convinced that this one will have red-hair.

I can't see my feet, but apparently the camera can just barely pick them up.

Then it was a rush, clean up the house from the weekend, knock out school, and off to Britt's baseball game.  Afterward, Gary had to go back to work to run rain reels, so I came home cooked tacos, and we worked on the kids Egyptian costumes as part of history for the day.  Gary eventually made it home to eat supper while I finished all the laundry and folded it all and put it away.  But finally at the end of the night last night, when the kids were in bed, and I flopped down on the bed by Gary who was watching March Madness, I got to thinking.  It is so amazing that the technology exists and allows us this glimpse inside to see what she looks like.  It's fun to compare her to Gary and myself, to see which of the kids she resembles.  I have always loved speculating what the kids would be like when they arrived.

With Britt I can remember a very clear dream about a month before he was born, of a toddler with blond, blond hair and blue eyes like Gary, he had manic sounding laugh.  With Ruth I can remember a dream of black hair, fat chubby feet, and a big smile as she was learning to walk.  With Rebecca I dreamed the week before she was born about a blond headed little girl.  After losing Abigail I have had two dreams of a red head with long, smooth, stick straight hair, always from the back.  I can never see her face.  With this baby I have once dreamed off a girl with red, curly hair and blue eyes like Gary's.  Not tight Shirley Temple curls like I was always jealous of, but just some gentle curls.  The first three have proven to be so much more than I could have dreamed or imagined.

3-27, Kate's profile.

But even as I wonder about this baby, I can't help but wish I knew more about Abigail.  I will never know what she would have looked like.  Who she would have become.  What she would have been like.  Would she have been adventurous or cautious?  Would she be a tom boy or girly girl?  Just the other night Gary had left over cole slaw and baked beans that he brought home from work.  Two kids like cole slaw and hate beans, one likes the beans and hates cole slaw.  Would she have have even the odds?  Would she like them both?  Would she have tried to subsist on chicken nuggets, crackers, and milk?

We are thinking more and more these days about labor and bringing Kate home.  I've cleared out a spot for the crib.  We have plans to order replacement hardware next week, and set up the baby bed.  I've washed the 0-6 month clothes and put them away in the dresser.  Last week we went up to the hospital and did the tour, and talked with a labor and delivery nurse.  I finally sat down and wrote up a birth plan, one we plan to talk with the doctor about next week.  I've written up the last of our lesson plans, made plans to get the kids evaluated, and then rap up the school year.  We've talked about tentative plans for Mother and Daddy to come down. We are optimistically making plans, even while also making worse case plans.  I'll spare you those contingencies, but I still find it hard to be certain that we are bringing Kate home, instead of carrying her to Hopewell too.

Everything ends up on my stomach these days.  At 9 am, I already have laundry detergent on my shirt.

Every plan we make for Kate though, reminds me of everything we couldn't do for Abigail, and everything we will never know about her.  Pregnancy after loss is an emotional roller coaster ride, that makes our previous pregnancies seem like a leisurely stroll.  I have told Gary I just hope that I can chill out some after she arrives, and not turn into one of those over the top paranoid moms.

It's been awhile since I've written publicly about our pregnancy with Katherine.  Each week in my planner, I journal a little pregnancy update.  I write about how I'm feeling, my fears, and any doctors concerns or notes.  But I realized today, that I should blog again.  The great thing about the blog is it gives me a place to save her pictures and the pictures of me pregnant all together.

3-7, The bubble by her mouth is her umbilical cord.

 After getting past the approximate point where Abigail died and the gestational age of her stillbirth.  I slowly started to feel a little better, and less anxious.  Gary and I sat down together and went through the baby stuff from the other kids, and made a registry so that we'd have a list of what needs to be purchased this time around.  We even went online and price hunted for the best price for a new infant carseat.  After 3 kids and 8 years, something just wear out.  Or in the case of the cradle mattress, almost 32 years and 8 kids.  As I began to feel more regular movement, I also felt alot better.

1-29, Me at 23 weeks

Unfortunately that feeling doesn't seem to stay around permanently. We've had two other scares. The first was at 26 weeks, when they called to give me the results of my 1 hour gestational diabetes test. I failed it pretty badly, for the first time in 5 pregnancies. They proceeded to call me back every day for the next three days. One to tell me when my 3 hour test was scheduled for. One to tell me they were so sure I'd fail the three hour there was no point in taking it, unless I really wanted to. And one to tell me they wanted to check for keytones that I had to drive into town the next day. Of course, during all this, I did the one thing you shouldn't do - I googled GD and started reading. Apparently the condition isn't really well understood. It responds differently throughout pregnancy depending on certain hormone levels in different weeks of pregnancy. Also, doctors don't even agree on what the numbers should be. On top of this, the diet isn't a regular diabetes type of diet, because baby needs carbs to properly grow, especially toward the end of pregnancy. So you end up eating more meat and more often. Also, they recommend eating more fats to help delay the release of sugar - for example ice cream. All I could see was a total revamp of the way we eat and my budgeting for meals, along with the headache of daily counting carbs, and detailed meal journaling.

Taking the 3 hour Gestational Diabetes test.

Gary wanted me to go ahead with the 3 hour test, so I did.  The lab tech (I nice lady who has gotten to know us real well in the last year, as often as I am in there) told me that I could expect results probably noon the next day.  So, I called the OB at 1 pm that Friday.  They called me back and I only failed one number, but I had several that were close.  They cleared me for the gestational diabetes.  I cannot tell you what a relief it was.  Along with all the uncertainty about GD, studies show an increase in poor labor conditions and in stillbirths.  The numbers are even higher for those who have previously had a stillbirth.  There's also some speculation whether the current recommendations even do any good, because of how little is understood about the interplay of hormones and GD.  I thanked God profusely and I was able to go and enjoy the Strawberry Festival on Monday.  And while that's a subject for another post, it was about the best night me and Gary have had together in a long while.

1-30, She was rubbing her feet together, which is funny because that's something I do when I'm falling asleep.

 Then last Tuesday at 28 weeks, after Britt asked for them to double check that it wasn't a boy, I talked with the doctor with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) and asked him about my kick counts that I'm suppose to keep.  I told him that Kate is far less active that my first three were.  That it takes me a good 40 minutes on average to get 10 kicks, not the normal 10 to 25.  I also told him that she moves almost none during the day, that movement starts to pick up around 4 pm and she's fairly active till bedtime.  He told me that some babies weren't as active, but if she dropped to less than 10 in an hour, to drink and eat something, then try again.  If they still didn't come up to head up to the ER.

1-30, Her face, they look so skeletal in the ultrasound.  I'm hoping maybe next appointment they will try another 3D shot.

The MFS (Maternal Fetal Specialist) also sat down with me after my ultrasound, and wanted to go over alot of things in depth that we need to be aware of, so that our pediatrician can watch for after Kate is born.  He told us that there wasn't sufficient testing done after we lost Abigail, and that somethings that should have been done as a mater of routine weren't done.  That made me mad with the doctors in PA all over again.  According to him there just isn't enough to conclusively say that it was my thyroid issues that caused her death.  He said that it would be preferable to pinpoint an exact cause, because that would almost put us out of the danger zone for a repeat loss, at least it would make our odds of another loss no greater than 1 in 100, just like everyone else.

He told me because of my prior loss, and our suspicions of thyroid being related that we would do a detailed fetal echo-cardiogram at my next appointment.  As they have told me before, the most common problem with babies who have hypothyroid moms, is heart problems.  He also said, as we progress we will want to watch her heart rate and see that it doesn't get too low, that can be another problem in hypothyroid pregnancies.  Last Monday her heart rate was 123, and they want it anywhere between 120 and 170.  He told us that after pregnancy we will need to watch out for a few things.  First off all, my TPO numbers (that indicate my thyroid antibodies) are always incredibly high.  There is no real way to treat this.  Those antibodies can cross over the placenta so Katherine will need to be monitored over the first 6 to 8 weeks to insure that her thyroid numbers go back to normal.  They had told me that much before.  However, the specialist also told me that my numbers are probably an indicator that I am a carrier for Congenital Hypothyroidism.  It is a condition that is one of many tested for at birth with the heel prick blood test they do, however, he said it can often give a false negative in cases such as me where the mother is already on levothyroxine.  He said that it must be caught within the first 2 weeks, to have the best outcome.  But that babies often don't show signs until week 3 or 4.  He said that it is the result of a child with little to no thyroid or one that doesn't work properly.  So, they aren't able to produce all the hormones a growing child needs.  He said, if it isn't caught until they are close to 2 (which apparently use to be the norm), among other problems they will have significant irreversible mental damage because of the lack of hormones.  He also reminded me to pay close attention to her hearing, as the second most common complication for children of hypothyroid moms, is deafness.

3-7, Then she moved her umbilical cord with her hand from by her mouth.

I came home, and Gary talked with our family doctor, who will be seeing Kate just like the rest of us.  They said, that they can go over the results with us and help us watch things.  But after talking together, I told Gary that I feel like even after she gets here I won't be able to completely relax.  All this time, I've just been telling myself to manage the anxiety for 40 weeks, and we are done.  I feel like she'll be so much safer after she gets here than she is in there cooking.  But now I'm not so sure.  Of course, while every pregnancy brings really weird dreams, lately I've been having nightmares about labor.  Which of course, doesn't make my state of mind any better during the day.

3-7, I love seeing little baby feet.

The good news though is that the idea of bringing her home is becoming more and more real to me.  I have washed up all the newborn and 0-3 clothes.  I have plans to sort through some more clothes in the next week to determine what we might still need.  Staying busy this week, particularly with Ruth's beautiful faerie garden (pictures to come soon, I promise) has helped keep my mind off things.  I of course, take the matter to God over and over in prayer, it's just an ever continuing process.  However, despite all my reservations, I'm feeling like we can really celebrate this pregnancy.  I feel like we are far enough along that we can think about life after birth, that we can enjoy her little life, that we could even have a shower and it not feel presumptuous and weird.  She'll be here in 10 weeks or less at this point, and that is exciting.