Unlike most of the baby/child loss community, I don't believe that my child sends me signs. I believe that she is in Heaven, enjoying the fullness of the glory of that place. I believe in Heaven we know what we have been saved from, otherwise how could we truly appreciate the wonder that it is. However, I believe that the sin and pain of this world no longer hold any sway over us. That's the only way that I see that we can understand what we were and yet not have immense grief over all our sins.
I don't believe my daughter is looking through a window somewhere concerned or worried about me. I don't think she sends messages or signs to me. I certainly don't think she is an angel. However, there are things that remind me of her. Things that make me smile, most of the time.
Red Fall leaves, remind me of her. I suppose it's because in the weeks following her death, all the trees began to change. It's not anything that I see though, now that we are again living in South Florida, where fall doesn't exist. The baby loss community has latched onto butterflies and dragonflies as their babies coming back to visit. I suppose it is because of the transformation of their lives. They live half of their life as one thing, and then they change in such away as the other caterpillars or nymphs can't see or even imagine them as they are now. One Sunday we were all in blue (because if I have to get everyone's clothes laid out, they are going to be somewhat coordinated) and walked out to Abigail's grave, where we saw a giant blue dragonfly, and it made me smile.
I had not mentioned yet, but I had thought if we had a girl. That I would do her crib up in pink and brown, and that this little bunny would be her special toy, the way that Ruth carries around what use to be a pink silky monkey, and the way that Rebecca is attached to her taggie owl. We recently took family pictures and to include Abigail I brought along the rabbit. I had debated holding on to it, and using it again, if we had another daughter, but I've decided, it's ok, to have something that was just for her.