Saturday, October 29, 2016

My Promise to You

Capture Your Grief - Day 30 - My Promise to You

"I made a promise to my son a few years ago to live my life to the fullest in honour of him. I have succeeded and failed at that promise many time but what matters most is that it has helped me to hold onto love when there is only darkness and to always try my best to make him proud of me. What promise would you like to make to your child?"

I'm not sure that I've ever sat down and really written or thought about this.  I know since you died I've had a number of things I've intended to do better.  Some of them I've had some success with, and some not so much.  I wrote a little about it on Day 2 last year.  Last night, I boxed up your things, for our upcoming move.  I can't tell you how painful that was.  It felt like burying you all over again.  And it came up out of nowhere.  I didn't tape up the box last night, but really I need to today, this is a little ridiculous.  Not that telling myself that changes the way that I feel.

I promise to be a better Momma to your siblings.  More patient and less crazy.  While there is so much room for improvement, I feel like I've made huge strides in that area in the last year.  I try to stop and think about their day and what's going on before I start fussing.  I try to be empathetic not just harsh over their failures.  I have made more of a point, to not yell at them, because I'm frustrated and mad about their behavior, something I had been trying to work on for years before our loss, but take more time to let them and me cool down, and then talk about why the behavior isn't God honoring.  I'm trying to find more time to build with them, play games with them, and not just be constantly cleaning and doing.  I hope to improve in that area more, as we move into our own house a smaller house, and really consider what we bring into it.

I promise to keep your memory alive.  To never forget that we have a daughter, that we don't see.  That your younger sibling will know you were here.  Not that we will tell him (or her) when he's grown, as if it's all been some big shameful secret, but that you remain a part of our family that we remember and talk about often.

And I promise to better watch my health, and to be proactive with it from now on, that we will never experience another loss due to negligence again.

I love you, and still wait for the day we will meet.


(I'm swapping today's topic with tomorrow's since I'm not leaving the house today.)

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