Monday, October 24, 2016

Conscientiously Becoming

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Conscientiously Becoming

"So many of us split our lives into a timeline of before and after our children died. Who were you before your children died? Who are you now? Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? Do you want any old part of you back? Who are you becoming?"

This one remains hard.  Because on the surface little has changed.  I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom. I am still that.  In fact right now today, I'm directing house cleaning, we are about to eat lunch, and then we are going to do our reading for the day.  I feel tired, but that is not unusual.  Have I been irrevocably changed?  Of course, I don't know how it could be possible to not be deeply changed, or how it could even be possible to return to the way you were previously after such a loss.  I am not as optimistic. I am more anxious. I am not as quick to laugh.  I don't enjoy college football as much as I use to.  I find I am lonely alot.  I have to honestly say that I still have not found anything about my new self that I like let alone love.  Of course I'd like the bouncy, excited, old me back, but I think I've about made peace with the fact that I can still enjoy life just in a more level and muted way.  Who am I becoming?  Wouldn't I like to know.

(picture courtesy of Britt)

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