Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I Am

Capture Your Grief - Day 25 - I Am

I wish ________________________
I wish I could spend the day with Abigail.  To see who she is, to watch her with her siblings.  To ask her about heaven and the glory and presence of Christ.

I remember _______________________
I remember how much I HATED being there.  Hated needing to be there.  Hated having to go there.  Hated having to stay there.  I have never hated hospitals till then.  I hated the scare tactics.  I hated the policies that aren't there for me, but for their convenience.  I hate how to everyone else it was another day at the office, but for me it was the end of the world as I knew it.  I might have issues now.

I could not believe _____________________
I could not believe just how tiny she was, and yet perfectly formed.  Of course she didn't look like a 40 week old baby, but she was undoubtedly a tiny little human, a tiny individual.  Which it turn left me in disbelief that anyone for any reason, could ever justify murdering such a tiny, helpless person.

If only _______________________
If only I could have held her alive.  It's sad to confess, but I find that I'm jealous of baby loss moms, who were able to have their children, hold them, and see them alive, before they died.

I am _____________________
I am a mother of five.  Three here with me, one in heaven, and one on the way.  I am scared but strong.  I am unsure but determined.  I doubt a positive outcome this time, but hope for one anyway.   I am forever changed.

Picture by Memaw

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