Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Wish List

10-08-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 8, Wish List

I feel like this one is really difficult. Wishing to never have experienced this, wishing that I was currently 28 months pregnant and still arguing over baby names is pretty futile. It's hard to get past that one though to figuring out what I wish could come from this tragedy.

1) I wish, for me, that I could find a way to honor Abigail and balance her place in our lives without becoming a morbid freak show. (Honest to goodness some days I feel like I am.)

2) I wish, for others, that she would never be forgotten, that her name wouldn't be come the unspoken.

3) I wish, at large, that I could do something to ensure such a simple thing as this is monitored so that no woman loses her child again to something as easily preventable this. I am struggling with a real feeling of medical negligence in Abigail's death. I have no idea how to go about this though.

4) I wish that I can grow in this. In the past I have mentioned that nothing has stretched me personally, made me grow, and deepened my faith like our experiences with unemployment. That after all that time while I wouldn't want to endure it again, while I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, while it was still a horrible experience. Despite all that, Gary and I are the people we are today because of that experience, it has shaped us so profoundly. And I believe that we are better people because of it, deeper my faithful people. That the experience brought me closer to Gary and made me lean more fully on God. It is a classic example of the Lord not causing a situation, but walking with us in His Providence and us growing through it. I feel like this experience has the ability to either utterly break us, or be an even greater testimony to His faithfulness, and grow us in new even if painful ways. I would pray that this experience would be one that would deepen my relationship with Him and bring Him honor in how we handle it.

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