10-20-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 17, Secondary Losses and Day 20, Forgiveness and Humanity

Today has been my first really good day since loosing Abigail, and I feel like shouting "finally!" Like I actually felt like myself and enjoyed most of my day. Tonight I'm going to tackle a two for one.

For me my secondary loss is not directly because of our first loss, but has compounded my grief. I have always approached each of our upcoming moves with great excitement, the adventure of something new, the next chapter in our lives. But I have really agonized over this one, and have deeply grieved over the leaving our Church and I may have cried more this week than I have for Abigail. I'm scared to death about this move, and that's not like me at all. I have made a few really good friends, which really isn't easy for me, and I don't want to leave them either. Perhaps my secondary loss isn't so much losing my support group, because while it's not the same, we can keep in touch, it's losing my sense of self. I just don't feel like me at all.

For me I'm trying each day to forgive those who miss managed my pregnancy. Hypothyroid issues have been known to increase miscarriage 225% for 25 years now. It's very simple to manage, and with medicine makes the chances no higher than they previously were. Having all the testing that told us there was no problems with her, leads us to believe that it was my thyroid. And that if it had been properly managed she'd still be here. That realization is very difficult to swallow. I think the lack of coordinated care, is why all the warning signs were not noted and managed. I think it will continue to be a struggle for me to forgive them. And in some ways it's a struggle to forgive myself, for all the things I didn't do. I should have been more active in my own care, and not just leaving everything to someone else. I just tell myself that I'm human, and I did the best I knew to do at the time, next time will be different.

10-15-2015, Me and the kids doing school, on a field trip at the old Jamestown Fort in VA.