Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Regrets and Triggers

10-13-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 13, Regrets and Triggers

Oh regrets are a dime a dozen when you've lost a child. I wish I had seen an endocrinologist years ago and this wouldn't have happened, I wish my thyroid had been properly managed.

As for regrets with our stillbirth. I wish I had better known about things I could have done to make memories. The midwife on the phone told me that they would tell me everything when I arrived. I should have been give more information before hand. I regret rushing to deliever her. When she had already been gone for 2-3 weeks, there wasn't going to be much change in her physically if we had waited a little longer to learn our options. I most regret the lack of good pictures. Our nurse offered to take some, but I didn't look at the settings on the camera, which was still set up for night photograph. All our pictures she took are over exposed and blurry. By the time I realized and took a few pictures her appearance had changed alot. We didn't call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, even though they had agreed to come, because we didn't feel like they could get very good pictures due to her condition and young gestational age. I wish we had of though. I wish I had a few good pictures. I wish I had insisted on them trying to get me some footprints and handprints. They didn't come out and say they couldn't, but they didn't, and I just assumed it was because of her fragile state and tiny size. I also regret that no one else held her and saw her. Our families lived way off, states and states away, and we thought the kids were too young to understand what they were seeing. But I we had waited longer, we could have had family there. I think now it would have been better to share her with a few people. We weren't able to do that at her funeral.

I really don't have any triggers, after all she's on my mind all the time still. I do think of her alot when we sing Church songs. I like to think when we are singing praises to God here, she is also singing there at the same time. I especially think of her when I hear or sing or think about the song "Be Still My Soul." We had it playing in the car on the way to the ultrasound that changed our lives. The third verse is especially meaningful now.

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