Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Express Your Heart

10-14-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 14, Express Your Heart

I've been expressing my heart in each post, but today is kinda suppose to be a free write day. I don't really know what to say, other than I'm terrified. I'm a control freak, I have a planner, my planner has a planner. Ok, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the picture. I hate it when life is spinning out of control. I know that things are never completely in our control. But, oh I love to pretend, with my budgets and spreadsheets, my planners and plans. The lesson that losing Abigail has taught me, is one that I thought I learned, but I apparently didn't master when we endured our long stretch of unemployment. The lesson that life is completely out of our control, the best we can do is manage what comes up, and manage our reaction. Not that I'm really even doing that very well right now. I know that sometimes no matter how hard you work and how well you do, sometimes companies downsize. I know no matter how good you plan the unexpected comes up. I know that no matter what you want to happen sometimes it doesn't. But I also now know that sometimes what is suppose to happen doesn't. The lack of predictability that I now know exists, is scary. The inability to do anything to fix it is even more so. I crave security and certainty, and I've been reminded all over again that it doesn't exist outside of our imagination. And that's incredibly frightening.

9-15-2015, A photo from our trip to Niagara Falls of the American Rapids,
 totally fits the way that I feel.

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