Friday, October 23, 2015

Love Letter

The Bed and Breakfast we've stayed at
this week.  It was so peaceful and beautiful.
Abigail,

Today's assignment for CaptureYourGrief was to write a love letter.  While I thought about attempting to write a letter to the doctor's office, to plead with them to change some things in their practice, that directly contributed to the loss of you.  While I considered that, it's not a letter I'm ready to write.  When I considered who I might wish I could write today.  There was just one person that I felt like talking to, and it was you.

I would tell you that you have touched so many lives.  That your very brief time, though unseen and silent, glorified our Heavenly Father in a way unimaginable to me before your birth.  I would tell you that throughout this experience I have felt God in a way that is very tangible, that my prayer life has grown and changed, that I more fully anticipate, more anxiously await Heaven.

I would tell you just how beautiful the cemetery at Little Union was yesterday at sunset.  How peaceful of a place it is.  I would love to ask you if you have met the seven other children buried there that left this world too soon.  Names that I have only seen on a stone, but not known.  I would tell you how lovely your stone is that we picked out for you.  Our one gift, the only thing we ever bought for you, that really everyone bought for you.  It is funny how the carver remarked about how beautifully simple it was.

I would tell you about our new home, and the hope for a fresh start.  How while I hate to move, I also long for stability and certainty in life, and I hope to some small degree we might have this here.  I would say how we hope to have more siblings, that you might be the baby for a record amount of time in this family.  I would ask you how it is to share your memory with those babies who will be born after you.  I would you want to be remembered.

Of course though, if you were here and I was able to talk to you.  I would tell you none of these things, because they would be too much for the tiny baby you would be.  They would be incomprehensible to you.  Instead I would hold you close, within for now, and in my arms in another 2 months.  And my beautiful girl, if I could talk to you, I'd tell you, "I love you."  That was something I failed to tell you while you were with us.  I would beg your forgiveness for that oversight.  For not taking the quiet moments at the end of the day, to talk to you.  I am sure you know, but I would have like to have told you, anyway.

Love always,
Momma,


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