Saturday, October 24, 2015

Choose Your Breath

10-24-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 24, Choose Your Breath

Today is suppose to be a day for self-reflection, for the heavy intentional grief work that we have to do to heal. On one hand, I don't really get that, how can you do more than function. Grief work is suppose to be heart and head work, but I grapple with the deep thoughts daily, and to a certain extent I always have. So, it also comes somewhat naturally to me. I'm pretty introspective, overly analytical, and somewhat depressive; and I'm going to blame every bit of that on my Daddy's genes. wink emoticon On the other I hand I think I understand that to grow from this experience and to move through it, I have to be willing to change. Staying the same means to atrophy and stagnant or die. I've come to grips with never being the same, after all this isn't something you get over and go back to normal, but it's not yet clear to me who I will be. I'm still trying to find some footing, mostly overcome with despair and loneliness and anxiety, but with a sprinkling of other emotions thrown in when I least expect them. I am trying to work on acceptance. Of making the most of the situations in my life - every one of them was out of my control, but I can just to be optimistic to find the good in them. I don't have to be fatalistic, I can choose to have hope. Somedays that choice is harder than others, some days I choose to wallow and fit pitch. Some days I even choose to set aside my grieving for later and get through the current day. I may do that alot with this imminent move, but I am also determined to feel, not to lock away all my emotion. Because if I do, I will not only not feel grief I will not feel anything, and that's a terrible way to live. If grief is the price of love, then it is worth it.

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