Thursday, August 25, 2016

1 Year without Abigail


Happy Birthday!  I don't really think it means anything to you in Heaven, a place not only where we never grow old, but a place outside of time.  But this day will forever mean something special to me, so happy 1st still-birthday.

So I sat here for a while, just looking at the cursor flash.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I mean I can't write about how you have grown and changed.  I can't write what our hopes and plans for the next year include.  It's kinda like a birthday party we went to last week.  It was cute.  This beautiful little girl with dark, dark eyes laughing and figuring out a smash cake, covering the balloons in frosting, and her 3 year old sister trying to teach her how to unwrap presents.  It was fun and sweet, and then all of a sudden it hit me once again what all we are missing out on with you.

It's been a hard week.  Yesterday was the worst, the day we found out, the day our entire life changed.  This whole week has been miserable though.  It's depressing as all get out not only to have the child we hoped for and dreamed about, but to not have gotten pregnant in the year following our loss has just added insult to injury.  I've spent more time crying between Saturday night and today than I have in the last several months.  I suppose it's true that grief comes in waves.

Despite the week, we wanted today to be special.  Daddy took off work, and after a few errands this morning, which included your brother and sister picking out a plant with Daddy for you, we set out to celebrate for you and be thankful for your brief life.  We headed up to "see" you, and had a cupcakes at the cemetery.   Your siblings played and we all spent some time on your swing, which we had made as your birthday present.  Daddy read through the thank you notes and letters we received after we lost you.  And I took alot of pictures.  Daddy sung your song before we left, and Ruth insisted we sing happy birthday so we did.  Daddy wants to take everyone to play putt-putt golf, so we did that afterward.  We had a good time, despite the heat, and the painfully slow pace.  Watching the rest of the kids play was pretty entertaining.  Britt was the only one who had played before, but they all enjoyed it.  We had supper before making the long drive home.  Everyone had a good day.  Ruth thought it would have been better to celebrate with you.  Britt worried that you liked chocolate better than vanilla, and was unhappy that the ants were eating your cupcake when we left.  Rebecca said it was a fun birthday.  It was a good day.

We love you and miss you, and long for the day we will meet you,

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