Dear Abigail,

Another Christmas rolls around without you.  I can't help but think each year about now, that we should be preparing to celebrate your birthday.  I had hopes maybe you'd be born before Christmas, but I was also tickled with the idea that you were to be born on your Mister's 60th birthday.

Our plans for Christmas this year were to take the family to Disney World for the day.  A few months ago, I looked at Gary and said for what we typically spend on Christmas, we could almost buy 5 tickets to Disney for Christmas day.  After mulling it over a bit, Gary liked the idea.  I could just see in my mind, their excitement as we made the drive into Orlando early Monday morning, as they tried to figure out where we were going.  The disbelief as we passed those power poles in the shape of giant mouse ears.

Britt is nearly to the age, where he won't have that child like belief.  That imagination where all possibilities are true.  He still lives in the world where no matter the odds, the Avengers will save the day.  That Christmas elves are real.  That he might could get a letter inviting him to Hogwarts when he turns 11.  I wanted to have a Disney trip, where I could see them all believe in that magic together.  And of course, I know what he will enjoy.  He'll want to meet Eugene and Prince Philip.  He'll be amazed with Tomorrowland.  I know what Ruth will enjoy.  She's her Daddy's daughter, a total roller coaster junkie.  She'll be in amazement to meet Tinkerbell and watch Cinderella's castle turn into Elsa's after dark.  I know what Rebecca will enjoy.  She'll want to meet Ariel and Rapunzel.  She'll be jealous that she doesn't get to ride the big coasters.  I even know by now some of what will amuse Katherine.  She'll like the music and want to grin at everyone she sees.  She studies the world and does it with great joy.  But what about you.  What would the 2 year old you, that I'm missing, what would you like.  Would you like demur Sleeping Beauty, or the rowdy Mulan?  Would you be anxious to met your hero, or shy of them?  Would you clamor to ride all the rides, or would you just want to watch all the excitement around you?  What would you think of the parade and the fireworks?  The kids will all be taking money from the grandparents.  I am willing to bet our entire savings account that Britt will come home with a sword, but what would have been your pick?

Alas though, Christmas may have to be postponed, as the flu has invaded the house.  In that I'm glad that you aren't here to suffer it.  Katherine seemed to not be affected at all.  If it hadn't been for a positive flu test, I wouldn't have thought she had it.  Ruth seems to be miserable though, and even though we don't know for a fact that it's the flu and not one of the other bugs going around, we are treating it as if it is.

Most of the time, these days I can accept that you aren't here and won't ever be.  I can accept that there is only one ornament for you, while your siblings get new ones each year to add to the collection.  I can accept that on Christmas morning, their stockings will be full while your's remains so empty.  There are still moments that the utter injustice of losing a child is overwhelming.  But I can be amazed and thankful that you are with the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, the one we are celebrating.  There are fleeting moments that I feel connected, that we are sharing something at the same moment.  Imagining you there in Heaven with Jesus because of the work he accomplished, while we sit here together celebrating that he was not only willing, but did come into the world and do that work.  That is one of those moments.

We love and miss you so much,
And we long for the day that our faith will be sight,
You are never forgotten, dear daughter,

Love, Momma