Dear son,

It seems like another year has come and passed. You had some major changes since last year. Some good, some worse, and other just more challenges in life. We are now living back in Florida. The home we are living in now has lots of cool or fun things to do, with the swimming pool and canal in the backyard, and the park not even 100 feet away. There are lots of new fun things to keep us occupied. Now that you are seven we have more expectations of you. You have more responsibilities around the house. I just need you to grow 4 more inches so that you can reach the pedals of the lawn mower. Your chores have matured. Momma is teaching how how to separate the clothes what goes with which in doing the laundry.

You are finishing your third year of homeschooling. As a Momma can attest to there are somethings you have picked up well enough, but there are other things that you still struggle with. I want you to press harder, so you can do more of what you enjoy like science. Or that we can do more board games when you are faster at math and a stronger reader. You are starting to read everything by ourself, though slowly. Your mother is really nervous for your first school evaluation this week. Someone else will be looking at your skills, knowledge and abilities. But I think you will do just fine.

I guess you can officially swim without needing any floaters. But I wouldn't say it is very graceful. You are better than your mother though, and that says something. You rode your first medium sized roller coaster at the Southeast Florida fair. Ruth was all upset that she couldn't go due to the height restriction, but you didn't like it at all. It wasn't the fast speed going down, but the way the cart would spin and twist on its own. Let's just say I got a good laugh out of it. You have also finished your second year of baseball. Somethings you really began to improve on.seemed like at the end you were doing much better at hitting, but you still have a ways to go on your defense. You have also learned how to tie your shoelaces. You caught your very first bass by yourself this year. You are getting better at throwing your rod and reel on your own.

Things we want to do this next year, riding your bike, and work more with your golf clubs you got from Memaw and Mister. I hope to see you improve your fielding and throwing with baseball, and of course be a more accomplished swimmer so that you don't struggle in the deep end as much. It has been good that you have been trying to help with song leading in Church. Hopefully we can work on your leading skills, and teach you to pitch the ones you know well on your own. We are also looking to find a more permanent home to buy. Hopefully you will be able to start staying in your own room at night. Then you can also pick out your own decor, but you need to choose one them not 17. Of course I have to approve the final scheme because I know one thing it is not going to be.

I guess the thing I would like to work with you on this year is manly curtesy. There are lots of rules to being courteous that you should know. You should know to run out and open the door for others, particularly your mother and sisters. Not just to walk threw but to hold it. There are other jobs around the house like handling the trash or scraps. Messy things that might wiggle or crawl around. Things that might be gross. Or things that require a little more lifting that your sisters can't do. These jobs my seem silly. You may think why do I have to do them. But there is a purpose, in order for you to be respectful to others, particularly toward ladies, these jobs will encourage you to do the hard stuff. I hope you will learn that nothing is beneath you, and that you can do anything. It is important to be courteous and kind because it is honorable.

It seems like every year more things change than stay the same, we will see what new things will come along next. We look forward to the next year of more homeschool and exploring South Florida. And we like you, your mother might like you a little more than me. Your mother is now glaring at me. I love you.

Daddy

So as I mentioned on facebook, we went to my Reproductive Endocrinologist appointment this morning.  I was wound up about it to say the least.  Optimistic that he would listen, take me seriously, and be proactive about my thyroid.  Concerned that I'd be told it wasn't an issue for an RE, that they wouldn't see me, to find a thyroid specialist.  Then I'd be out of reasonable options.  Pessimistic that it would just be another doctor, too arrogant to listen to me, so far above me that they can't be troubled to explain anything, and not concerned with my concerns.  I was afraid that this would be doctor number for in the, your numbers look fine, let's just wait and see crowd.

Eld. Adam Green was preaching this weekend at MacClenny.  On Saturday afternoon in a surprisingly compact sermon he preached from I Pet. 5:6-7 to cast all our cares on Him.  I've often heard it is a sin to worry and stress, but never really what to do instead.  I really struggle with overanalyzing everything, and I stress alot, and don't sleep well.  Trying to turn it off, is like trying to jump off the roof and expecting to fly.  Now, I know it can be done, or God wouldn't tell us to do it.  But in 31 years, I can not recall anyone from the pulpit explaining how to do it.  Bro. Adam went several places to show that we do it through communication and contemplation.  We communicate those concerns to God through prayer, and contemplate on who He is.  It helps us to put things in perspective and reminds us even if God does nothing about this situation right now that there is Heaven afterward.  And that He does care for us, so of course we should go to Him.

So back to this morning.  We are pulling into the parking garage at Tampa General for my 8 am appointment at 2 minutes till 8.  I'm keyed up beyond all belief.  Gary is on the phone with four different people at work trying to juggle things on the farm.  We get down to the hospital and I realize my medical records are still in the car.  Gary runs back to get them.  I find out where to go and I wait outside for him.  At 8:15 he is still missing, so I go up to the car thinking that he can't find where I stuck that folder, only to not be able to find him.  At this point I'm all but having an anxiety attack, and I head into the office.  They take me back at 8:25, and Gary is still nowhere to be seen.  I'm sitting in an exam room, waiting on the doctor, and I'm trying to think about that sermon, and pray, and calm down.  I'm feeling a little better when they then bring me into the doctor's office to talk with him, but Gary is still no where to be found.  A few minutes later, about half way through my medical history he shows up and I felt so much better.

After going through everything in about 30 minutes. The doctor was incredibly knowledgeable and incredibly nice. He asked a lot of questions and really listened. He treated our loss of Abigail as the real loss of a person. I can't tell you how much that meant.  I checked around before scheduling something all the way up in Tampa.  The report for Fort Myers was the guy knew alot, but he was a total jerk.  I wanted someone to explain something, I'm never again going to just trust that a medical professional knows what they are doing.  Besides after everything else we've gone through, I want some compassion not a jerk.

The RE said it could have been a tragic flux but was alarmed by what all they did not do. He ran all the blood work but went ahead and diagnosed me with sub-clinical hypothyroidism which he described in the same way as what I have read about masked hypothyroidism. I've done alot of reading and studying over the last few months.  25% of cases of hypothyroidism, shows up with "normal" labs.  I've also read enough to know that alot of women feel their best with the TSH levels in the upper 1/3 of the normal range.  I'm so glad that he is willing to look at our loss, how I'm feeling (which has gotten worse just in the last month) and really manage it.  He also said if I don't already have Hashimoto's it's a matter of time, given the family history, and the extremely high antibodies at the last few lab visits.  However, we want to delay the onset as long as possible by managing the hypothyroidism now.  He felt like this would be an easy fix, and I started back on 50 mcg of Levothyroxine tonight.  I'm hoping to hear back about what my levels are at in a few days.  We will go back in 6 weeks to recheck levels and see how I'm feeling.  Then we will go from there.

I've promised Gary that after that appointment I won't make him come all the way up to Tampa with me.  But the way I about had a panic attack that had my blood pressure through the roof when they checked it in the office, I'm not quite ready to see doctors without him.  It makes me so very panicky now, partly because I don't trust them, and partly because it puts me very vividly back in the room I sat in after we lost her with the worst OB ever.

The very, very simple question, that about gives me a heart attack every time I'm asked it.  And the reason it causes such a panic attack is because the follow up question is always, "And how old are they?"  It would be so simple to say four.  If it wasn't for the second half of the question.  A innocent little conversation started with complete strangers at the library, the cashier at Wendy's, or the little old lady on the plane.

I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot say three.  That maybe all anyone will ever see, but I know better, and I simply cannot say three.  It might infinitely easier to say three, to spare the poor unwitting soul the knowledge that PAIL (pregnancy and infant loss) still happens in this day and age of wondrous medical advancements.  It could be simpler to have the upbeat, impersonal conversation with perfect strangers about the antics of the children in front of them, than the awkward silence of pity and the unknown response before hearing an equally awkward apology followed by nonsensical platitudes or even worse not even acknowledging the sentence that just came out of my mouth.  The truth remains, I had a daughter, her name is Abigail, and it just flat out feels wrong to not acknowledge her, as if she didn't exist.

All the same, I have had an almost comical time, blundering through just how to do that.  The first time it came up shortly after we moved back to Florida.  The chiropractor here, someone who didn't know about us before, after watching three kids who weren't on their best behavior in the exam room.  (Let me pause the conversation here to say, I am so, so, so sorry Mother for how the four of us would behave, every single time, while you were at the chiropractor's office all those years ago.)  After watching the kids, he jokingly asked, so when are you going to have number four.  I'm sure he was expecting, a resounding "we are done, we've got enough heathens thank you."  Instead I blurted out, "We already did, she was still born 4 months ago."  He skillfully recovered without a beat, that his wife had two about the same spacing as our first two, and she had told him that she was done.  He understood how they are a handful, when you have them all day by yourself.  Me on the otherhand.  I felt guilty for making him feel bad.  Because I over analyze everything.

I've practiced it alot in my head since January.  And finally in May while we were in Alabama, I tried it out, again on 2 people who knew nothing about our story.  Because it's easy to experiment on people that way, and because if I totally botch it, I'm not likely to see you again that often or ever anyway.  The first in Hobby Lobby with a lady that I use to work with before Gary and I got married.  She's great, I see her every now and then when I am home visiting and go into Hobby Lobby (since there is none around here, I do that fairly often when I'm home.)  She asked how many children we have now.  I told her 4, and she asked how old, she couldn't believe that I had that many now.  Her oldest daughter is my age.  I replied, "Britt is 7, Ruth is 5, Rebecca is 3, and the littlest was born in August."  We talked a couple more minutes before I left.  It was good to acknowledge her, even if it still didn't feel quite like the right way to handle it.  A couple days later, at Auntie's funeral a perfect stranger asked, how many we had.  I told her 4, this time I had the three kids with me, and so she looked around for another.  I just told her, "I only have three with me.  The littlest isn't here."  I'm still not quite sure if that is the right way to answer.

The thing is that most people have no idea how common PAIL is.  And people should know just how common it is.  1 in 160 births are stillbirths.  1 in 5 known pregnancies end in miscarriage, the number is probably higher when you figure in very early losses.  They average out that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end tragically.  According to the US Breast Cancer statistics, only 1 in 8 women will be affected by breast cancer.  Twice as many women will suffer silently due to the loss of a child, as will have some form of breast cancer.  I wonder if PAIL got half the attention that breast cancer does if we might have a lot more answers than we currently do.

And speaking of answers, I'm hoping to get some more Monday.  We are finally going to have our RE appointment.  I'm hoping after looking over my records, they will run some more test, and finally have something more for us.  I'm tired of hearing that my thyroid numbers are in normal range, and that even though I feel terrible, and have lost a child, there is nothing to be done, unless the numbers change.  We have had 3 doctors now, that didn't want to touch it at this point.  And I got alot of conflicting information from our last OB.  She said one thing, and had it on my online records.  The records I received in the mail say something different in places.  I don't want to stand by and watch another child die, because I'm not being treated and monitored.  I'm very anxious and frustrated all at the same time.

I wanted a planner cause I could keep all my school work in it, and all my plans that I want to do.  And I am going to plan a day only me and Daddy so we can go to Applebee's.  It's my favorite place to eat.  It is super fun having a planner, cause you can write down everything you are going to do, like going to big movie theatres.  The stickers are helpful because they tell you what week it will be.  This week is a Frozen week, and next week will be an Ariel week.  It is so fun to put all the stickers on where I want them.  It's the funnest part of planning.  Momma got me the planner to try out, she let me pick out some of my very own washi tape too.  She writes down my school work, and I check it off after I do it.  When Momma does the planner with me, her sometimes lets me use some of her washi.  On the bottom part of my planner I write a story about my day.  I like that part.  I can write about anything I want to there.  Momma says I have better handwriting than Britt, and I almost have better handwriting than Unca Benji.