Last week I went to Sea World.  There was a show of dolphins.  And the dolphins did tricks.  I liked when they were riding on the dolphins.  It was my and Rebecca's favorite show.  I asked to kiss one at the end and they laughed.  Britt wants to be the prince that rides on the dolphin, when he is grown up.  Momma told him he had to learn to swim really well.  It was fun watching the Killer Whales do them big splashes.  That was Britt's favorite show.  We went to a sea lion show too.  A boy in the sea lion show, and he threw his trash coke can in the water, and a little otter got it out.  He talked and complained and said, he went right past the recycling!  And we went to a fake Antarctica.  And when it was raining, me and Britt said, "For the first time ever, Antarctica is melting!"











And after the melting rain stopped, we goed and buyed some stuff.   I got a pink dolphin holding on to a big lollipop.  I also got a glowing penguin key chain.  When I grow up I'm going to put it on my keys.  So just incase we have a black out, I have a penguin that glows.  And I got seahorse earrings.  Most important, I got cotton candy.  Rebecca got an orca necklace and squeeky orca that she named Shamu.  Britt got an aligator tooth necklace and I helped him buy a baby polar bear.

Picture taken by Ruth

Write a story called "The Baby Dragon."

Once upon a time in a little forest there was a little dragon walking through the forest.  And he saw two little boys, Britt and Christopher.  They were walking till Britt yelled "Wow," and stopped suddenly falling over, because the dragon was holding on to his leg.

Christopher said, "It looks like you've got a dragon."

They kept walking with the dragon hanging on to his leg when they saw a beautiful girl, named Evelyn.  They asked Evelyn if she wanted to explore the forest with them.  And she said yes.  It was a fun day, but Britt and Christopher decided it was time to take the baby dragon home.  So they all agreed to find the baby dragon's home.  They didn't realize that they were lost, and very hungry.  They still didn't find the baby dragon's mom.  They decided to call the dragon Skippy, because he liked to skip alot.  All of a sudden they ran into the momma dragon.  They heard a sound like this aaahooooooo.  They knew it was something, that they were being watched.  They saw wolves!  They ran and ran up the mountain into a cave that was the dragon's home.  She breathed fire and burned some of the wolves.  The other two others ran away.  The momma dragon gave them a lift home, because they brought back her dragon baby.

Then after supper Evelyn and Britt married that night.  The End.

The biggest surprise this school year has been Rebecca.  I found a couple of early, early preschool books in my stash, so I set them aside for Rebecca.  Just in case I needed something to entertain her while the others worked on school.  In the past she's showed no interest.  For a while now, I've started school right after lunch while she takes a nap.  When she's not napping, she's been thrilled to have all the toys to herself.  The first week the kids started back, I pulled them out when she asked.  She kinda piddled with one but didn't seem to like it.  So I was really surprised about 2 weeks later, when she asked to do school too.  Ever since, she has begged to do school, even on days we aren't planning anything or planning to go somewhere.  She's really upset if the others start school without her.  Or if she doesn't get to do school.  This week she has completed the little number book I had, and is almost half way through the letter book.  Another surprise has been what I've discovered that she already knows.  She doesn't know any of her letter names, but she seems to know about half of their sounds.  And for a 3.5 year old, I'm shocked by how well she holds a pencil and traces and then draws the letters or numbers that she's working on.  Apparently we are going to need to call this year Preschool, and I'm going to need to find her something, since I had no plans to do any school with her this year.

You just woke up and there is a giraffe in your yard.  What do you do?

"I woke up at a full moon, and I goed out in my yard.  When I goed out in my yard I found a giraffe.  I got some lettuce and leaves out and feeded it.  Her liked it.  It was yummy for a giraffe, but it was yucky for me.  I looked at the giraffe, to figure out a name.  I picked Sparkles for her name.  For her nickname, I picked Twinkle.  Me and Twinkle played I spy, but Twinkle didn't like that game, so she picked a different game.  She wanted to play tag.  And she won, because with her long neck she stretched it out and touched me. Then we played tag with our eyes closed.  And I won.  Then we were getting tired, so the giraffe goed on the roof, to sleep.  She couldn't fit in the house, even with the big doors open because her long neck, was too long. I opened the little doors and got back in my bed.  The next morning I woke up and the giraffe was planting a tree.  She held the water bucket with her mouth, then the tree with her mouth, and then covered it up with her feet.  Three more days later, the tree grew big enough for the giraffe to eat it.  After that the giraffe leaved, because giraffes can't stay for Christmas.  They would get too cold. The End."

I want to learn how to cook.  So I asked Daddy if I could be his supper helper, and he said yes.  First, Momma and I measured stuff.  I squirted all the lemon juice in to marinate the chicken.  Then I stirred it and we put in the next ingredient.  Then I stirred it again and put in the next ingredient.  Then I stirred it again.  I stirred it three times with a fork.  Then when Daddy came home, we started cooking it.  First I picked out what would go with the chicken.  I picked some cream corn.  I used the can opener, to turn, turn, turn.  Daddy helped me hold the opener.  Then we made a salad, and Daddy cut up the eggs, and I put them on there.  I like to call myself Chef Britt.  Then I went out and flipped the chicken on the other side.  After a while it cooked, then I used the tongs to pick them up.  I put the chicken on the plate.  Then Daddy cut the chicken up.  Then servant Ruth served the plates, and waitress Rebecca served the forks.  And then we all ate supper.  I loved cooking.  It was fun.

This video explains it all, but apparently you aren't allowed to eat sweet things if they are a human.

My dentist appointment was great.  I had two cavities, so I can't have sugar for awhile.  They are in two of teeth that are grown up teeth.  Momma wasn't happy.  Momma said if I didn't take care of my teeth that they would all fall out.  If they all fall out all I can eat is jello and applesauce and drink water.  And I don't like any of those things.  I told myself I was sorry by deciing to try harder next time.  I'm going to brush my teeth three times a day until Momma says I can go back to two times.  And I am only going to drink unsweet tea, water, and sometimes milk.  That part is going to be hard.  I was really good, so I got a cool race car and a neon orange toothbrush.

We finished up the third Narnia book today, and I thought I would share my favorite part that I read aloud a few nights ago.  Shasta has just related how he feels to be "the unluckiest person in the whole world." He was orphaned, raised by an unkind man, chased by lions, in danger from bad men in a great city, slept among tombs, thought he was going to be eaten by wild beast, traveled across the great desert, had nothing to eat for a day, and was repetitively chased by lions. Then the lion, Aslan disagrees and tells him:

I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man Sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.

Asian tells him all of this as they are walking in the middle of the night in thick fog through the mountains. Two days later Shasta is crossing them again during the day and observes:

The hillside path which they were following became narrower all the time and the drop in their right hand became steeper. At last they were going in single file along the edge of a great precipice and Shasta shuddered to think that he had done the same last night without knowing it. "But of course" he thought, "I was quite safe. That is why the Lion kept on my left. He was between me and the edge all the time."

When I read it the other night it was a potent reminder that very often when things are seemingly at their worst that God is with us in the midst of things, even when we don't see him.  The providence of God is a wonderful comfort, even if it is hard to see and understand.  I know that there were times in underemployment that he providentially intervened impressing someone to send us a check when we had no way to pay the power bill.  He provided a job in Indiana when we couldn't have continued another day without it.  Literally, Gary ran out of gas on the way home from the interview, and we had no savings left, no money coming in, and no room left on the credit cards.  However, I don't for a minute think that we were without work for so long because the job He intended for us or planned for us, wasn't open yet.  We make choices while we live here and there are consequences for our actions now, and sometimes other people just don't chose you for a job.

Which brings me to another point, while I love the beauty of God intervening on behalf of his people.  I ABSOLUTELY hate it when I see people talking about how God has plans to prosper us.  They get this erroneous idea from the NIV translation of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The actual verse reads something entirely different, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."  God doesn't have plans for our daily lives, we have the ability to follow him, and grow and find blessings in that, or we have the ability to be disobedient and be chastened for that.  God predestined a particular people to be His people and did everything necessary to save them (see Romans 8).  However, he doesn't cause all things that come to pass.  He doesn't work evil to bring good from it.  That would merely make us puppets on a string, and that would bring no glory to God.

In Jeremiah 29, God is telling the nation of Israel that they are going into captivity and that it's not going to be an afternoon trip.  They are going to be there for 70 years, so they are to build houses, work, establish a home, pray for those in power.  But that at the end of that time of punishment and exile that He will allow them to return home.  They will not live always away.  That is the immediate context, the long term context is that at the end of our life time here in this world, we too are going to return home, and our expected end will be in Heaven with Him.

How shallow and foolish of us today in America to assume that God has plans to divinely intervene and prosper us and no harm will come to us.  Do we fail to consider his children throughout history and in the rest of the world today?  People who right now are being beheaded and persecuted for being Christian.  And I don't mean persecuted because someone hurt their feelings when they said something not nice, but literally loosing their livelihood, literally losing their very lives.

I don't think God took my daughter.  I don't think he is in the business of doing cruel and evil things.  I don't think it's some grand plan for my good.  I do think, even though like Shasta I have at times felt like, I'm the unluckiest person in the world, He was with me.  I haven't always seen Him, but like Shasta in the fog in the darkest midnight on a cold and lonely path, I have felt Him.  I am sure that there have been times that He has intervened in my life and directed me, like Shasta and Aravis were steered together.  There have been times He has comforted me, like the cat comforted Shasta.  And no matter how bad things get here, after all we've been promised "in this world ye shall have tribulation" (john 16:33), I have an expected end, after this life is over.

Rebecca often does this cute thing of tell me that I'm the best Momma that she's ever seen.  I actually asked her the other day how many mommas she had ever seen and she listed 3. A couple of weeks ago, I caught her doing it on video.  Today I asked her why I'm the best Momma and here is her response:

Cause you give me applesause and vitamins.  (You should here her try to say that word.)  Cause you go swimming with me. Cause you do school with me.  Cause you go on a walk with me.  (Never done that.)  And one day we are going to Africa.  (Oh really.)  And me love you too much.

I like swimming because I can swim super far with one arm.  And it's super fun with Daddy, Britt, and Rebecca.  I like it because I know have my new very own floaty.  It is pink and it glows.  And I also got a beach ball from Aunt Heather for my birthday.  I use to be scared because I couldn't touch the bottom.  Now I know I can touch the bottom, but at Granddaddy Garland's pool I can't.  But I know I can make it and come back.  I only like swimming under water, because it's the funest kind of swimming.  I like to practice doing a loopy-loop under water.

It's super easy for mermaids, because they are born in the water.  Some die in the water too.  Them are super good swimmers.  I want to become a super good swimmer too.  And swimming is more fun with people.  Me and Daddy playing beach ball.  Daddy and Aunt Joan was on one team, and all the kids was on the other team.  Swimming is also fun because I have swimming toys and swimming stuff.

Last month we made ancient writing for school.  Ancient writing is a kind of reading with pictures of what happened a long time ago.  This kind of ancient writing is called cuneiform.  We also studied hieroglyphs.  Cuneiform is where people write things way, way long ago, past a few centuries and years.  Over time clay tablets start to break like everything and they are heavy, so apparently you have to do important things on there.  Like records.  The Egyptians learned to make paper so they started doing heiroglyphs on it.  But you know paper can get ruined by alot of stuff like fire and water, or over time turn into paper.  So even though we do that alot with paper, we should do things with other things too.  So we don't really know alot about Egypt when they wrote with paper, but we know alot about when they wrote on clay tablets or in stone.

My ancient writing didn't work out well.  We had to do it in a special sunny spot, or it wouldn't work.  We put it in the sun to bake, but it rained so much and got wet so much, when they were almost done, that it messed up all the play-dough.  I made a t-Rex and a triceratops but I can't remember the rest of it.  It has been my favorite part of school so far.  I hope we make Egyptian writing too.

Me love fishing.  Me like fishing.  No, no, no.  Me love fishing.  Me love fishing with Momma and Daddy.  Me have an Elsa fishing pole with a little blue fish.  Me like to cast, and then reel reel reel.  Daddy say you have to be quiet or the fish will hear you.

Abigail,

Happy Birthday!  I don't really think it means anything to you in Heaven, a place not only where we never grow old, but a place outside of time.  But this day will forever mean something special to me, so happy 1st still-birthday.
So I sat here for a while, just looking at the cursor flash.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I mean I can't write about how you have grown and changed.  I can't write what our hopes and plans for the next year include.  It's kinda like a birthday party we went to last week.  It was cute.  This beautiful little girl with dark, dark eyes laughing and figuring out a smash cake, covering the balloons in frosting, and her 3 year old sister trying to teach her how to unwrap presents.  It was fun and sweet, and then all of a sudden it hit me once again what all we are missing out on with you.











It's been a hard week.  Yesterday was the worst, the day we found out, the day our entire life changed.  This whole week has been miserable though.  It's depressing as all get out not only to have the child we hoped for and dreamed about, but to not have gotten pregnant in the year following our loss has just added insult to injury.  I've spent more time crying between Saturday night and today than I have in the last several months.  I suppose it's true that grief comes in waves.



Despite the week, we wanted today to be special.  Daddy took off work, and after a few errands this morning, which included your brother and sister picking out a plant with Daddy for you, we set out to celebrate for you and be thankful for your brief life.  We headed up to "see" you, and had a cupcakes at the cemetery.   Your siblings played and we all spent some time on your swing, which we had made as your birthday present.  Daddy read through the thank you notes and letters we received after we lost you.  And I took alot of pictures.  Daddy sung your song before we left, and Ruth insisted we sing happy birthday so we did.  Daddy wants to take everyone to play putt-putt golf, so we did that afterward.  We had a good time, despite the heat, and the painfully slow pace.  Watching the rest of the kids play was pretty entertaining.  Britt was the only one who had played before, but they all enjoyed it.  We had supper before making the long drive home.  Everyone had a good day.  Ruth thought it would have been better to celebrate with you.  Britt worried that you liked chocolate better than vanilla, and was unhappy that the ants were eating your cupcake when we left.  Rebecca said it was a fun birthday.  It was a good day.

We love you and miss you, and long for the day we will meet you,
Love,
Momma

I love to fish so much that I asked for fake bait for my birthday.  I have red fake worms and pink fake worms.  I buyed them from Bass Pro Shop with money from Grandmother and Granddaddy for my birthday.  And I got me a little fishing thing with two hooks to catch the fish with.  I also got a pink feathery thing like Daddy's yellow feathery thing he uses to fish with.  Memaw also got me a fishing shirt to wear when I fish with Daddy.  I have only tried out the fake worms so far.  Daddy says I have to get good at using fake worms, before trying the other stuff.  We almost caught a fish with the red worm, but not yet with my pink worm.  The fish got away, it wasn't hooked enough.  But I got to through back Dancy-Flippy, a little fish Daddy caught.  Rebecca named it that because she said it looked like it was dancing when Daddy flipped it.  Fishing is probably my favorite thing to do with Daddy.  It so fun going fishing with Daddy.  Yesterday, we caught a peacock bass and a normal bass.  The bad news is that we caught a gar and he threw him over against the tree, and me and Rebecca told him, "Yous in time out!"  Rebecca is still practicing casting she isn't as good as me yet, but I think she is better than Britt.  Britt caught a big fish yesterday.  He was excited, but as he was reeling it in, it got away.  And Daddy was right about those red worms, I got alot of bites.  But them got away.  The end.

The Alpha flies. He froze them all except the tank.  But the tank knew what to do, even if it might hurt the other time.  Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, his cannon shot the ice off the rest of his team.  The Carnotaurus broke out of the ice with his horns somehow.  Then he jumped right on the tank.  Boom, Boom, Boom again.  The dump truck flips him all the way up into space (more sound effects for a while) all the way onto the moon.  The helicopter can fly again, but when the Alpha saw him he roared like a storm and froze the helicopter.  So many booms broke the ice, and the tank said there is only one way to win this battle, we have to defeat the boss.  He gathered the toughest of his team to go Dump Truck, Dozer, and the other tank.  The three bravest of his team, went to destroy the boss, the Alpha.  The Helicopter and Heatwave and the little Dozer tracker will take care of the rest.  The Alpha struck with his ice, but missed them all.  So then the tank shot him at the top of the mountain, and he shot him again, and he is dead.  To make sure he puts his gun in his heart and BAM.  After the battle though he was still alive.  I'll get you next time he grunts.  The End. (story dictated by and all photos taken by Britt)

Ruth,

Happy Birthday, Sunshine.  This post is a little late, but I'll back date it.  In some ways you haven't changed at all this year.  You are still eager to please, very compassionate toward others, desire to be helpful, have strong opinions, and are still excited about school.  In other ways I can see how much you have changed.  You are so much taller this year than last.  You are becoming more of a planner and worrier, in complete contrast to a year ago.  You are no longer afraid of the water or math.  And for the first time, have expressed interest in Churchy things by asking questions that never bothered you before.

You have grown alot, especially in the last several months.  It appears to finally be all legs.  From the time you were born, pants in each new size would fit in the waist, but be way too long.  And suddenly a few weeks ago, the size 6 pants are right about the right length.  You are looking more grown in the face than you have in the past.  Maybe it's the new haircut, or the increase in freckles, but you seem to have lost alot of baby fat in your face.  You still have your adorable squishy eyes though.  You also played tball for the first time this year.  At first it was something you wanted to do because of Britt.  Then you didn't like all the practice.  But right at the end, you decided you loved it and wanted to do it again next year.  You have also branched out and begun swimming under the water on your own in the water.  Out of nowhere the day before your birthday, you just did it.  Your confidence is growing, and we are excited to see you able to do more and more.  It's funny to think when you were born, all you could do was lay there and cry, but now we can watch you play ball, swim, and grow.


You have come so far in school this year as well.  You are really reading now.  Slow, and still sounding out alot of words, but you are reading.  Short vowels, long vowels, tricks with two vowels and silent e.  You have completely caught up to Britt.  While he is a little faster and smoother of a reader, you are both to the point in the current reading book, that you have learned all the sounds you need, it's just a matter of practice and fluency.  You have almost caught up to him in math as well.  You have mastered your addition facts, and are moving through subtraction with great speed.  You rarely make mistakes, and seem to have a good grasp of it.  You were bored with science by the end of last school year, but seem to enjoy history.  I have told you that history is a giant story, from the moment God created the world, till it ends, and it is made up of many little stories.  And like me, you enjoy the stories.  Art remains your absolute favorite part of school, and you insist that when you grow up you are going to be an artist.

The biggest change in you, to me though, is your inner thought life.  You very often bring me questions and concerns that never crossed your mind before.  You ask about Heaven, sometimes in the context of wondering what Abigail is doing or likes, and sometimes asking why God made earth if He like Heaven better.  You and Britt have often talked about one day after we do our debt free scream with Dave Ramsey, then we can go to Disney World for the first time.  But the other day out of nowhere you were very worried that buying a house would be more debt and that we wouldn't have enough money.  A very different question than Britt who only worried it might delay his Disney trip.  You have asked if other people don't like you, if you should do something different, as you haven't found a close friend since moving back to Florida.  You really enjoy filling in your planner, not only because it's an art thing we do together, but you also seem to really like knowing what is coming next.  Very unlike Daddy and the you of a year ago.  You have stopped asking for another sibling, even though you say you want one.  You told me just a bit ago, that "having another baby makes you both a little scared and a little happy.  It could turn out sad like Abigail, or happy like Rebecca, me and Britt."  You think more and I suppose live in the moment a little less.

You have grown up in so many ways in the last year, something that makes us happy and sad.  We love you and your sweet heart so much.  And pray all the best for you, and can't wait to see where that compassionate spirit will take you in life.

We love you,
Momma

Apparently you are not a good fisherman, if you don't tell tall tales.  So, in light of being informed that I needed to share, I'm sharing my fishing story.  Zack has a really nice boat, and he's been deep sea fishing for about the last decade.  He's taken most of the family out several times.  The guys have gone a few times.  Heather is great at hunting and fishing, and she's been a few times.  Joan Ellen also went when they took out some of the nieces.  I however, had never been fishing with Zack and Amanda.

Now, I don't swim all that well, and though I enjoy fishing, I wasn't real excited about being that far way from land.  I went along solely, because Gary wanted to go and I wanted to spend our anniversary together.  I must have lucked out because that morning when we left the water was as smooth as a mirror, and we had a fast and easy ride out.  I was amazed at just how blue the water was out there.  Growing up my favorite color in the big crayon box was cerulean blue, and that's EXACTLY what the water looked like.

Anyway, we caught several fish, that weren't any good so we threw them back.  The most fun was when the Mahi Mahi started swimming around the boat.  The first time they came by we couldn't get them to bite.  Mister said they have such good eyesight, that they can see the hook, if you don't have it pretty well hidden.  They are beautiful fish.  One came right up and bumped the foot I had trailing in the water as I was trying to keep cool.  They came by later though and must have been starving to death, because all of a sudden they were biting anything and everything.  One of the ones I caught I accidently dropped the line before I got it baited again.  No joke.  At one point we had about four flopping around in the boat.  And oh my goodness those fish are fighters.  They will beat themselves to death in the boat, tearing their lips off, bleeding everywhere.  Amanda got slapped upside the head by one.  We lost a few before we could get them in the boat, they flail to the point that they work themselves off the hook while they are in the air before you even get them in the boat.

However, what we were really out to catch was grouper.  After the Mahi Mahi got bored (or in my opinion after we caught all the ones who were hungry), I dropped my line all the way down to the bottom.  Now, all I had on there was about a half eaten sardine, from the Mahi Mahi.  I thought I felt a tap, but nothing followed it, so after a minute I started reeling it in.  I figured what ever it was stole the last little bit of bait I had on there.  But all of a sudden, the line went really tight, and I couldn't get the end up in the air, and something was pulling more line out.  When I couldn't get it up, Amanda came over, but she wasn't having any luck either.  We decided that I must have a grouper and that it had gone in it's hole, but that the line was going out because we were drifting.  Zack backed the boat up to where we were before, and Mister took the pole from me to try to get where we could work him out of his hole.  Meanwhile, Amanda had been trying to explain to me how to reel and work him up.  The water was about 90 feet deep there, and it was going to take some work.  I didn't understand what in the world she wanted me to do.  She was making no sense whatsoever, but when Zack got the boat where he wanted it Mister was able to back that fish out of there, and then I could see what Amanda had meant.  After a minute he gave me the pole back, and I started pulling the pole up as high as I could get it and then reeling like a maniac as I lowered it.  I was bracing it against my leg and my arms were killing me, because I have no arm muscles at all. haha.  Then Zack found a belt thing, that I could brace the pole with.  When I finally got it up close enough to see it I couldn't believe how big it was.  Then I'm sure I was entertaining trying to get it into the boat.  I have no balance at all on the water, I really had no balance trying to get this massive fish swung up into the boat.  I was falling all over the place.  But we finally got that thing in there.  It was 26 inches long.  Long enough to keep, and I have no idea how heavy it was, but I couldn't have held it up much longer than it took them to snap the picture.  It was crazy.

I caught another couple of little ones, not big enough to keep.  Gary ended up catching a gar a little later.  Dad caught the most, as he easily caught half the Mahi Mahi.  I caught the biggest.  And as Gary said, he caught the most trash. haha.  We had a good time.  The only down side was being insanely hot with no breeze at all.  Not sure if I do or don't want to go again.  30 miles from land over 90 foot of water.  That's a long way, away if anything goes wrong.  But we had good company, and I did have a good time.  It was a memorable anniversary, and it was great of Zack and Amanda to take us out.

It's depressing to think of the difference a year makes.  A long and lonely year.  A year ago this coming Saturday, for the first and last time Gary was able to feel Abigail move.  It's the last time that I am certain I felt her move.  We would find out that we lost her 24 days later.  She died sometime between then and the next 10 days.  It's just awful.  I've not had a real good go of it this past weekend.  I know that it's impossible but I'm angry with the doctors and I want her back.  It's so infuriating that so many people screwed up, and it didn't cost them anything, but it cost us our daughter.  I know it does no good to dwell on it, but the absolute injustice of it, is driving me mad.

Last Friday night, though as I drifted off to sleep I had a dream, that jolted me awake.  I laid there in tears not sure if I was glad I had the dream or not.  I saw a baby girl, not quite a year.  She had those really fat baby feet that they have, round with no arch, with squishy toes pressed into a dark wood floor.  She was just starting to walk, with those bouncing wavering steps.  Swaying around from the shoulders up with short, whispy, auburn red hair flying around, straight as a stick and not a bit of it laying down.  I don't know about other people but I don't dream in sound.  I just see very vivid pictures, and strong emotions.  There are times I know there is sound, but I don't actually hear anything.  This was one of those times.  I know she was babbling, and I "heard" mama in a string of other incoherent words.  She was walking to someone, kinda like she was crossing a room from one side of the room to the other, and I was sitting in the corner watching just after she had passed by me.

It was the most vivid dream I've had in a long, long time.  And only the second time, that I woke up feeling like I had dreamed of her.  I was just struck all over again of everything that as her mother I've been robbed of.  Her first birthday is coming up and I don't know what to do.  Gary has already asked off of work, at my insistence.  I'm on several baby loss groups, and I've seen lots of ideas.  They typically visit their grave, do a balloon release, and have cake.  Several light a candle in memory.  Others do something else in particular every year, year after year to celebrate their child's "still birthday" after all they still were here.  A woman in one group just the other day posted a picture at her daughter's stone, with a cupcake sitting on top, celebrating her 19th birthday.  The reality that this is only the first of a lifetime of non-birthdays, is immensely depressing.  Each year that passes will find me older, and her unchanged.  The joy of celebrating our other children's birthdays for them of course is the cake and gifts, but for me it is the amazement of stopping to look through their photos and realizing just how much they have changed in the little moments that at the time had seemed to pass without change.  Abigail will only have birthdays that are and aren't birthdays.

The memories we have will forever be limited to me yelling "I knew it!" while looking at a digital pregnancy test, while Gary was in the shower.  Taking a photo the day after my twin brothers' birthday, while the kids hold signs that I kept insisting they quit trying to sound out the words.  Sitting down at Red Lobster with mine and Gary's parents and watching them open a bag of candy and read the photos to the kids.  A favorite new, green maternity shirt that I wore as often as possible.  A single surprise ultrasound done alone, the first day of June.  A single appointment where we heard her heartbeat, with Britt and Ruth working the doppler while the midwife held Rebecca up on the table by me.  Buying a larger vehicle just for this new baby.  And a last set of naive photos the morning of a truly awful ultrasound.  A day long, strange form of labor that ended with having you to hold for less than 2 hours -  two hours that will have to last a lifetime.  A blur of a funeral.  Ten snapshot memories in place of what should have been a lifetime.  I'm not sure that I'll ever come to terms with it.

I hate child loss.

Back at the beginning of the month we took our yearly trip to the Beach with Gary's family.  For almost every year since Britt was born, we have gone down to Anna Maria Island with Gary's parents and siblings, and all our nieces and nephews.  I thought I'd share some of my favorite pictures from the week.

I caught my first fish by myself.  It was a baby.  I called it Spotty.  Daddy didn't tell me what the first fish was.  It was super little, so we letted it go.  My second fish was a bluegill.  It was fun catching the bluegill.  It pulled my fishing rod alot, so Daddy helped me a little on it.  It was super strong, but the baby one was kinda weak.  It was so fun catching those two fish last night, but they were both too small to keep.  I named my bluegill Flippy, cause it flipped alot.  And we letted it go because it was too small, but it was fun seeing it.   Britt took pictures of me and Daddy.  It was fun and super exciting.  It wasn't fun to watch Daddy trying to kiss a fish though.  I think it's kinda gross to kiss a fish.  I can't wait to catch another fish.  It will be fun-tastic.   Fishing is fun.

A long time ago in a far away land, there was these bad guys and good guys that were always fighting over the Skeleton T-Rex.  So there came a day that there was a battle to see who would keep the Skeleton T-Rex.  For three days they all practiced for the battle.  One team was the Alpha, Whispering Death, and a Triceratops controlling the Skeleton T-Rex.  Then came Bad Toothless, which was the real Toothless (black dragon) with a controller on him that was camouflaged in his armor to join the bad guys.  Then the Super Team came.  But the Super Team couldn't do as well, because the Leader had to fight against his dad the Skeleton T-Rex.  They knew they needed help so they got all the Transformers and superheros they could and together they thought they made a team that would be impossible to beat.  Heatwave powered up and used energon on the Skeleton T-Rex, but before he could grab him, he was shot.  Chase shot his lava gun.  But the Skeleton TRex bone wouldn't burn.  He used his super roar, and Chase tumbled back.  Boom.  Captain America rode as fast as he could, jumped off his motorcycle and threw his shield.  At the last minute the Skeleton T-Rex dodged it.  Optimus Prime knew the weakness was to tip over the Skeleton TRex.  He had done it once before.  So, he rolled out, transformed into a robot, and jumped on his head.  He slid over him and down his back, but grabbed his spine, but before he could do anything he was slung off.  Toothless (the red dragon) flew at his head, but couldn't get close.  Optimus Jr went for the Alpha but he was bammed back.  Yoshi rode all over the T-Rex but Skeletor knocked him off the T-Rex before he could do any damage.  Superman crashed into the Skeleton T-Rex, but just bounced off.  So Sideswipe in car mode rode up, but he fell in the secret dungeon.  He was stuck and captured.  Bumblebee flew, but he didn't realize there was a boulder in the cannon, and his wing was knocked clean off.  He knew Britt would have to repair it after the battle.  The Leader, jumped right on the Skeleton T-Rex, and made him go down, but as he fell he smacked the leader, and he was boomed off.  His helmet got stuck in the Skeleton T-Rex's mouth.  He activated the recall on it, and it barely got loose to come back.  Then Optimus jumped at his head, and managed to pull him over.  Sideswipe was crashing out of the dungeon but Optimus caught him and saved him.  He was ok.  But during that time he got back up thanks to the Alpha's help.  So Bucky went right after him, but turns out one of the guys grabbed his glider and jumped on Bucky grabbing his steering wheel, and steering him right into Apatosaurus.  He soared back, mission accomplished.  Iron Man flew in, but Skeletor knocked on of his engines in his leg off and he crashed.  Sea Monster used his super steps to climb up, but he boomed him off with his lazer.  Toothless (the red dragon) and Triceratops crashed together.  Iron Man blasted Triceratops's tail off, killing him.  The Amazing Spider Man, wrapped up the Skeleton T-Rex's claws and feet, so he couldn't move.  Leonardo broke Skeletor's staff, but Skeletor scratched him, and hurt him really bad.  Donatello carried him back to Bucky to bed.  Joey jumped right at Skeleton T-Rex, but he chomped down and the Leader's son was hurt.  It seemed like only the mighty could win.  So the Leader of the super team, Toothless (the red dragon) and Optimus ran at him really angry.  Optimus jumped on the tail and hung on tight.  He was swung up to the head.  Toothless head butted him in the middle, and the Leader Roared with a Super Roar and down he fell.  This time Optimus tied his neck to the ground.  So he was defeated, and they all lived happily ever after.

Made by Britt.

7-3-2016, Out at Abigail's Swing.

My Dearest Gary Britt,

The last year has been a year of great difficulty.  A week after I wrote last year's letter we found ourselves again unemployed.  A month and a half after I wrote last year's letter we stood in the Church yard on a sweltering day as I watched you bury our baby.  Nearly four months after I wrote last year's letter, I told you goodbye as you started a new job in South Florida, and I was left to figure out how to manage three kids, grief, and the packing up of our house.  I don't think I exaggerate when I say that it has been hardest year in our lives.

But as miserable as this year has been at times, you have remained the silver lining.  I have watched you once again build a career, without losing your belief in the goodness of others.  That at their core, most folks want to do what is right and work with others.  I have watched you gamble it all on this job, never doubting that some day in 25 or 30 years that you will retire from this company.  Most of all I've seen your patience with me reach a whole new level in this year.  You've dealt with my anger, and my doubts, and my fears.  But most of all you have be a support and comfort in my depression and sadness.  You have never once told me to man up or get over it.  You have never treated me like I am broken, even though I often feel to be beyond repair.

7-4-2016, Sunset at Anna Maria Island.

And so today, because I love you, before our Church Meeting starts tonight, I'm going deep sea fishing with you for our anniversary.  Even though to say that I am apprehensive and that it isn't my idea of a good time, is a serious understatement.  And maybe in this next year we can dream again.

I love you, and thank God for you,
~your dani~