It's official after 9+ years of marriage we are finally home owners!  I've been a little nervous about the prospect, but today I'm nothing but excited.  I can finally do what I want with my home and yard without asking permission.  And for once I can imagine living one place for a long, long time.  I told Gary he'd better retire from Duda, because I'm not moving again.  The house needs some work, and lots of love, it's been neglected over the last few years, but I can see it being really great.   It's so nice to have a home that is OURS!

Ultrasounds are just hard now.  This time baby was completely still.  Once he put his chin to his chest then picked it up again, but that was it.  At first he was so still, and at an angle that the heartbeat didn't show up, and my stomach just bottomed out.  It was the most sickening deja vu moment.  After some fiddling, the flickering showed up and I could breathe.  The heart rate was 160.  Raji, the ultrasound specialist, was a little concerned about the measurements for the NT Scan given the gestational age, but said he wouldn't be able to tell me anything till they had the blood test to compare with.  The doctors office called this afternoon, and said they didn't have everything in, but it all looked to be in normal ranges so far, which made me feel better after yesterday.  The main reason for the scan is it gave them an early chance to look at heart and kidneys which can be affected by hypothyroidism.  It was mostly to make me feel better that everything is going as it should and not looking like things did with Abigail.

We have been talking about baby names.  I had a girl's name picked out before we found out we were pregnant.  Katherine Hope.  We had two people that were especially vital in helping me through the last year - Kathy and Kate.  I have long loved the name Katherine, Rebecca was almost named Katherine, Gary and I can agree on Kate as a nickname. ( Thought I'm secretly hoping she'd be like Rebecca and insist on her full name. Rebecca corrects you if you say Becky or Becca.)  This baby has brought a lot of hope back to our lives too.  I no longer feel certain about the outcome of a healthy baby, but I still hope for one I get to keep.  Gary says he'd still like to think about other middle names, but he'd have to make a pretty convincing argument, my minds pretty made up.

We are still working on two boy names.  We still like William David and call him Will.  It's been on the list since Ruth.  I still love it for the same reasons.  I won't rehash them since I listed them with Rebecca too.  I still would like to name a baby after my Daddy.  I'd like to use Lynn as a middle name, and just pick a Biblical name to go with it.  I am pretty sure that I've talked about why we want all the kids to have a Biblical name, but I can't find that post.  I just feel like that are really pretty names, and that even if something were to happen to us, they would know that we chose their name with great care, to be an example for their lives.  The problem though is with our great plan to chose a Biblical name.  You might recall if you've been around that long, just how hard it was to agree on a name to go with Britt, we were so desperate we considered all sorts of awful and obscure names.  Let's just say it's gone alot like this:

Me:  Ok, my top favorites are Jonathan, Nathanael, and Ethan.
Gary:  I hate Ethan.  Don't really like Jonathan or Nathanael.
Me:  Why?  I might could live with Jon or Nate.
Gary:  Just don't like them.
Me:  Ok, What about Michael, Timothy, Samuel, Marcus or Lucus.
Gary:  Can't use Michael Lynn, that's Uncle Michael's name.  How about Tim, Sam, Mark, or Luke.
Me:  You know I hate chopped off names.  What about Caleb?  I might could like Caleb.
Gary: No... not really.
Me:  Ok you suggest a name then.
Gary:  Jacob, and we'll call him Jake.
Me:  You know what I hear when you say, Jake?
Gary:  Yep.  The song  "If I die before I wake feed Jake."
Me:  Exactly.  No, if you want to call him Jake.  That's awful.  We are not naming him after a dog.

 We of course can't use Matthew, Nicholas, Benjamin, or James, as those are the names of our brothers.  Another of Gary's rules.  Sometimes I could strangle the man.  Feel free to leave me some suggestions to try out on him.  Of course if Bro. Randy is to be believed, we are having another girl, so this argument doesn't matter.  But I really am convinced we are having a boy.  He's only been wrong once in the last 20 years, but I think he's about to get another strike.  And on that note, you can go to the side to vote for boy or girl, before we find out in 6 weeks.

My favorite baby picture so far!

I haven't written much yet about this new pregnancy.  I'm not sure where to start, and to be honest I'm finding it a little unnerving to talk about.  So many women after a loss have talked about not sharing till they couldn't hide it anymore, that to talk about the baby would some how jinx it and then they would lose it.  I get that and I don't.  I mean I wanted to share, as soon as we were sure it was an actual pregnancy, simply because I couldn't have gotten through the last loss without support.  How in the world could I get through another loss, while pretending everything was fine and nothing had happened?

On the other hand, it's hard to talk about.  People expect you to be excited (even when they are thinking what nut job has 5 kids on purpose), and it's a little hard to be excited.  It's also hard to know how to answer questions.  Let me give you a brief list of some of the things I've said or done, and then either gotten weird looks, or thought to myself "idiot."

• Lady asks when we are due. My response, "We are cautiously optimistic for May 2017." (stupid, Danielle)
• Aunt asks if I'm having much morning sickness.  My response, "No, but I feel better when I do."  Weird look, so I make it even worse by trying to explain, "We didn't have much with Abigail, but I had lots with the other three, so I don't worry as much when I do."
• Nurse asks how I'm feeling, probably meant morning sickness.  My response, "Stressed out.  This pregnancy is more like the last one than the first three."
• People notice I'm not as excited, and ask was this planned.  Luckily I saved myself from saying, "Yes for 13 months and 11 cycles."
• The icing on the cake, the doctor saying he noticed I was nervous and wanted to encourage me not to worry, because elevated cortisol levels aren't good for the baby either.  My response, "I know worrying doesn't help, but it's a little easier said than done."  Go home, and now worry about worrying. (Really, stop it, Danielle.)

All that said, I do want to talk about this baby, I do want to record things, and believe me I want everything to go well.  I don't want to stress and worry.  It's just hard.  Abigail was gone for weeks, and we didn't have a clue, I have no way to know if this one is still alive.  I find nights are the most difficult.  I'm busy during the day, but at night, with Gary snoring away, I am laying awake for an hour or more.

7 wks, 1 inch long, head to tail

7 wks, heart rate at 146

10 wk, 3 days, between this picture and the next we caught baby waving.

Britt and Ruth immediately knew this was a picture of the baby when I showed them.  But when I asked Rebecca what it was a picture of she said, "Ummm, an elephant?"

10 wks, 3 days, the tech pointed out the beginnings of facial features in the 3D ultrasound

10 wks 3 days, waving his arms, 3D ultrasound