Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Baby #5

My favorite baby picture so far!
I haven't written much yet about this new pregnancy.  I'm not sure where to start, and to be honest I'm finding it a little unnerving to talk about.  So many women after a loss have talked about not sharing till they couldn't hide it anymore, that to talk about the baby would some how jinx it and then they would lose it.  I get that and I don't.  I mean I wanted to share, as soon as we were sure it was an actual pregnancy, simply because I couldn't have gotten through the last loss without support.  How in the world could I get through another loss, while pretending everything was fine and nothing had happened?

On the other hand, it's hard to talk about.  People expect you to be excited (even when they are thinking what nut job has 5 kids on purpose), and it's a little hard to be excited.  It's also hard to know how to answer questions.  Let me give you a brief list of some of the things I've said or done, and then either gotten weird looks, or thought to myself "idiot."
  • Lady asks when we are due. My response, "We are cautiously optimistic for May 2017." (stupid, Danielle)
  • Aunt asks if I'm having much morning sickness.  My response, "No, but I feel better when I do."  Weird look, so I make it even worse by trying to explain, "We didn't have much with Abigail, but I had lots with the other three, so I don't worry as much when I do."
  • Nurse asks how I'm feeling, probably meant morning sickness.  My response, "Stressed out.  This pregnancy is more like the last one than the first three."
  • People notice I'm not as excited, and ask was this planned.  Luckily I saved myself from saying, "Yes for 13 months and 11 cycles."
  • The icing on the cake, the doctor saying he noticed I was nervous and wanted to encourage me not to worry, because elevated cortisol levels aren't good for the baby either.  My response, "I know worrying doesn't help, but it's a little easier said than done."  Go home, and now worry about worrying. (Really, stop it, Danielle.)
All that said, I do want to talk about this baby, I do want to record things, and believe me I want everything to go well.  I don't want to stress and worry.  It's just hard.  Abigail was gone for weeks, and we didn't have a clue, I have no way to know if this one is still alive.  I find nights are the most difficult.  I'm busy during the day, but at night, with Gary snoring away, I am laying awake for an hour or more.

7 wks, 1 inch long, head to tail
We had our first ultrasound the evening we announced.  Baby was measuring right at 7 weeks, which was 2 days behind.  If you look at the photo the head is to the right and there is still a bit of a tail toward the left.  The heartbeat took a bit to get, since it's a tiny target on an ultrasound at that stage.  But it was 146.  I felt much better after we saw that.  And I was good for that day, and maybe the next, but after that it was back to, I know the baby was alive, I don't know that it still is.

7 wks, heart rate at 146
Yesterday, we had our first OB appointment.  I choose him, because he had really good reviews.  Over and over they said that he was very compassionate, and good to work with.  He wouldn't write a prescription for a Doppler, but said if I decided to buy one anyway, that he wouldn't fuss at me.  That he thinks too often women stress if they don't hear a heartbeat, and it's often 12 to 14 weeks before they are easy to pick up.  He did offer that I could come in any time I wanted for heartbeat checks or ultrasound scans, if it would help me to relax and not make me stress out more.  I appreciate it, but since it's a real drive, I don't expect to take him up on it too often.  And we went ahead and bought a Doppler tonight.  I'm not even going to try to use it for a few more weeks though.
10 wk, 3 days, between this picture and the next we caught baby waving.
We ended up and had an ultrasound yesterday.  I thought I did very well even though Gary wasn't there.  At first I couldn't see the fluttering of the heart and was worried, then I saw other movement.  I wanted to ask the gentleman if he could just skip to the heart rate first, but I refrained.  I got to see our baby pull up his feet and kick with both together, and then what him move his arms alot.  The heart rate was 168.  Very busy, lots of movement.  It helped me relax alot, after I saw all of that.  We decided to do the first trimester screening blood test with ultrasound this time.  My Hashimoto's increases the risk of a few different birth defects most of which they can see between 11 wk 6 days and 13 weeks 6 days.  So we go back in 2 weeks to look at that.  After losing Abigail, I think we'd rather be mentally prepared than completely blindsided again.

Britt and Ruth immediately knew this was a picture of the baby when
I showed them.  But when I asked Rebecca what it was a picture of she
said, "Ummm, an elephant?"
In more normal news, this baby doesn't like a whole variety of stuff - most kinds of chicken, sweet tea, and Dr. Pepper are the worst right now.  He also doesn't like Reese's Cups or most vegetables.  I am loving steak and salad, hashbrowns, BK whoppers, green grapes, and celery with peanut butter.  In fact I'm practically surviving on celery and peanut butter.  At first shrimp tasted funny, but I've had it again several times since then and it hasn't bothered me.  I'm not having much morning sickness, and almost only late in the evening, after supper.  Though I have had some on Sunday afternoons.  I think it's the combination of a big Church lunch and then the long drive in the car.
10 wks, 3 days, the tech pointed out the beginnings of facial
features in the 3D ultrasound
The only consistent symptom, and the one that worries me the most is the extreme exhaustion.  I threatened the kids today, to make them stay in their rooms.  The girls took naps, but I gave Britt the iPad to keep him from getting into anything around the house.  I took almost a 2 hour nap.  That's the kind of thing I did with Abigail, and not the others.  I felt alot better when the doctor's office called this morning, and had my lab results.  TSH was .58, and the free T4 was 1.1, I wish they had run the other numbers too, for my records.  But we did finally get a written referral for an endocrinologist, and I'm hoping to hear back soon on that front

10 wks 3 days, waving his arms, 3D ultrasound

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