My Abigail,

Happy 3rd Birthday!  I finally feel like I've found some stable ground since losing you.  I think of you each and every day.  It is no different from the way I wonder about your siblings, and think of them when they are all gone for a week to the grandparents.  But you are gone a lot further away, for a lot longer.  There are still times that I cry, but they are pretty rare these days.

12/31/2017, Two years since your due date.

A few months ago, I went through a downright angry stage.  I spent a lot of time sulking and angry with God.  I'm not going to say I know everything about why He suffers some things to come to pass.  I will probably never fully understand His will and His providence, but I suppose my time of wrestling with it has at least left me with a peace about it.  I'm not going to lie I would wish you back here in a heartbeat.  Life here may be sinful and lousy compared to there, I have no doubt of it, but you are mine and I want to know you.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day with all my babies.

I do like to share what I do know of you though.  The other day, someone asked what you looked like and I got to play the proud parent, talking about your long dainty fingers, and your tiny little tongue, and the way that your feet were crossed.  How you were a thin little thing.  I tell everyone we meet that we have 5 children, though only 4 are here with us.  I talk about you to your siblings all the time.  Kate loves to play with the charms on your bracelet during Church, especially the handprint one, and I tell her all about her big sister that she can't see.

6/3/2018, We went out to check on Abigail after our long trip.

Ruth doesn't talk much about you but says she thinks about you a lot.  She likes to sometimes draw pictures of you with our family but always apologizes that they aren't very good because she doesn't know what you look like.  Sometimes she asks, but I never seem to have any good answers.

5/6/2018, The rain on International Bereaved Mother's Day matched my mood.

Britt probably talks about you the most.  When we were studying ancient India we read about a holiday where sisters make their brother a special bracelet out of brightly colored thread and small beads to show their love and respect, and the brother promises to always protect and look out for them.  He insisted that we make a bracelet for you too.  So he has a bracelet that Ruth made, Rebecca made, that he made for Kate, and a bracelet made from the leftover thread from the stocking I made for you.

12/24/2017, Merry Christmas Abigail.

Several months ago, when we first started studying ancient China.  We read a story of a baby who died and who the Buddha sent his mother to get a seed from a house that hadn't been touched by death to bring him back to life.  And after searching, she realized all are touched by death, gave up, and buried her son.  I asked them if that sounded like a comforting way to live.  And so we talked about you.  Rebecca, quite out of nowhere, and quite out of character for her, got hysterical and asked me if I would stop talking about you, that it made her sad.  I told her point blank.  No, I would not.  I asked how she would feel if I stopped talking about her.  I told her that I love all of my babies, and because I love them I talk about them.

2/4/2018, We finally remembered to bring Abigail's candy cane from Christmas to her.  And everyone ate them together.

Your Daddy misses you in the empty spaces of our lives.  He doesn't talk about it much, and he doesn't like to dwell on the what-ifs because to him it's all speculation, and he claims he doesn't have much of an imagination.  He has trouble seeing past the broken shell he held to imagine what you are doing now in heaven.  He doesn't like to share you with others, because he thinks you are too special, that you are ours.  Sometimes though he will point out things like you could have slept on the bottom bunk now, the one that is empty, and we would have had 3 girls in a room.  Sometimes I'm sure that he misses the more carefree person I was before, and the sense of completeness we had as a family, that is missing now.

12/24/2018, Momma and Daddy out at your swing.

Today we did I tried to stay busy.  We got alot done on our move.  The very first thing I unpacked and found a new home for was your things. I think with the longer shelf, that it actually looks better than before, everything is spaced out and so easy to see.  It made it feel a little more like home.  We picked up some cupcakes to come and share with you tomorrow after Church, and in the dark on the way back from the store, your birthday minute rolled around.  I told you happy birthday, while Daddy drove and everyone else was asleep in the car. I can almost see you in my mind almost shoulder length, stick straight, red hair.  Those fat baby checks.  With your Daddy's blue crinkly eyes.  Those fat, pudgy, still baby-like hands and feet.  I often wonder what your little voice would have sounded like.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day and my 33rd Birthday.

I hope you know how much you are loved.  Sometimes a pregnancy seems such a long time to get to see and know your child.  And over the years of raising them, you gradually learn more and more of who they are.  It's a wonderful process of discovery, to watch your children grow up.  I'll just have to wait a little longer than most to know you. As always you are loved and missed, but especially today.  Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven.

We love you,
Momma