My Abigail,

Happy 3rd Birthday!  I finally feel like I've found some stable ground since losing you.  I think of you each and every day.  It is no different from the way I wonder about your siblings, and think of them when they are all gone for a week to the grandparents.  But you are gone a lot further away, for a lot longer.  There are still times that I cry, but they are pretty rare these days.

12/31/2017, Two years since your due date.

A few months ago, I went through a downright angry stage.  I spent a lot of time sulking and angry with God.  I'm not going to say I know everything about why He suffers some things to come to pass.  I will probably never fully understand His will and His providence, but I suppose my time of wrestling with it has at least left me with a peace about it.  I'm not going to lie I would wish you back here in a heartbeat.  Life here may be sinful and lousy compared to there, I have no doubt of it, but you are mine and I want to know you.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day with all my babies.

I do like to share what I do know of you though.  The other day, someone asked what you looked like and I got to play the proud parent, talking about your long dainty fingers, and your tiny little tongue, and the way that your feet were crossed.  How you were a thin little thing.  I tell everyone we meet that we have 5 children, though only 4 are here with us.  I talk about you to your siblings all the time.  Kate loves to play with the charms on your bracelet during Church, especially the handprint one, and I tell her all about her big sister that she can't see.

6/3/2018, We went out to check on Abigail after our long trip.

Ruth doesn't talk much about you but says she thinks about you a lot.  She likes to sometimes draw pictures of you with our family but always apologizes that they aren't very good because she doesn't know what you look like.  Sometimes she asks, but I never seem to have any good answers.

5/6/2018, The rain on International Bereaved Mother's Day matched my mood.

Britt probably talks about you the most.  When we were studying ancient India we read about a holiday where sisters make their brother a special bracelet out of brightly colored thread and small beads to show their love and respect, and the brother promises to always protect and look out for them.  He insisted that we make a bracelet for you too.  So he has a bracelet that Ruth made, Rebecca made, that he made for Kate, and a bracelet made from the leftover thread from the stocking I made for you.

12/24/2017, Merry Christmas Abigail.

Several months ago, when we first started studying ancient China.  We read a story of a baby who died and who the Buddha sent his mother to get a seed from a house that hadn't been touched by death to bring him back to life.  And after searching, she realized all are touched by death, gave up, and buried her son.  I asked them if that sounded like a comforting way to live.  And so we talked about you.  Rebecca, quite out of nowhere, and quite out of character for her, got hysterical and asked me if I would stop talking about you, that it made her sad.  I told her point blank.  No, I would not.  I asked how she would feel if I stopped talking about her.  I told her that I love all of my babies, and because I love them I talk about them.

2/4/2018, We finally remembered to bring Abigail's candy cane from Christmas to her.  And everyone ate them together.

Your Daddy misses you in the empty spaces of our lives.  He doesn't talk about it much, and he doesn't like to dwell on the what-ifs because to him it's all speculation, and he claims he doesn't have much of an imagination.  He has trouble seeing past the broken shell he held to imagine what you are doing now in heaven.  He doesn't like to share you with others, because he thinks you are too special, that you are ours.  Sometimes though he will point out things like you could have slept on the bottom bunk now, the one that is empty, and we would have had 3 girls in a room.  Sometimes I'm sure that he misses the more carefree person I was before, and the sense of completeness we had as a family, that is missing now.

12/24/2018, Momma and Daddy out at your swing.

Today we did I tried to stay busy.  We got alot done on our move.  The very first thing I unpacked and found a new home for was your things. I think with the longer shelf, that it actually looks better than before, everything is spaced out and so easy to see.  It made it feel a little more like home.  We picked up some cupcakes to come and share with you tomorrow after Church, and in the dark on the way back from the store, your birthday minute rolled around.  I told you happy birthday, while Daddy drove and everyone else was asleep in the car. I can almost see you in my mind almost shoulder length, stick straight, red hair.  Those fat baby checks.  With your Daddy's blue crinkly eyes.  Those fat, pudgy, still baby-like hands and feet.  I often wonder what your little voice would have sounded like.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day and my 33rd Birthday.

I hope you know how much you are loved.  Sometimes a pregnancy seems such a long time to get to see and know your child.  And over the years of raising them, you gradually learn more and more of who they are.  It's a wonderful process of discovery, to watch your children grow up.  I'll just have to wait a little longer than most to know you. As always you are loved and missed, but especially today.  Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven.

We love you,
Momma

8/24/2018

Katherine,

You have been a busy little bee in the last three months.  I don't do the post monthly in the second year, just two extra posts in your second year a 15 month and 18 month post.

You are constantly on the go.  You don't seem to have much trouble walking in shoes now.  Though your Daddy still makes fun of your bowlegged rocking walk.  He has told you that you look like Memaw did right after her knee surgery.  She loves on you and tells you to just ignore him.  You really like to run up and down, if you can call it a run, on the ramp in the lunchroom at Church.  You seem to get a kick out of picking up speed going down it, so you do it over and over again.  You still aren't really fond of wearing shoes, so we only do it out and about, but you don't seem to mind sandals quite so much.  Guess it's a Florida thing.

5/29/2018

5/26/2018

Climbing is the big thing now.  If we don't leave off the light in your room, you will go in there and climb halfway up the ladder to Rebecca's bunk.  Then laugh at us when we tell you to get down.  You can climb up in the little rocker and in Ruth's little chair in her room.  You like to climb in and out of the bumbo seat that Grandmother and Granddaddy got you for Christmas.  You will drag it around the room, when the kids turn on a movie and climb in to watch it with them.  You will climb and wrestle all over your Daddy.  And, when no one picks you up fast enough, you will grab a fist full of pants, grunt, and try to swing your leg up and climb up them.

7/14/2018

You babble more and more of the time, but unlike your siblings, there aren't really any clearly recognizable words.  You sometimes seem to say Yeah, bye (about a thousand times in a row), and uh-oh when you drop something.  You say Da-da for anything and everything over the sun, but will go and find him when I ask where Da-da is.  You clearly understand alot, because I can ask you to go and get your puppy and you will.  The little dog Unca Nick and Aunt Alex got you for your birthday is clearly your favorite toy.  I can ask where the kitty is and you will get a blue cat that belongs to Rebecca.  You also know that Neela is Rebecca's toy Austrailian Shepard.  You will go to the kitchen if I ask you if you want a cup, and wait for me to get it.  You do grunt a lot at us to get our attention, and sometimes almost sound like you are going to hyperventilate.

6/12/2018

6/17/18

When you get excited which is often, you kinda squeal, kinda make this rapid whiny sound, like you are going to hyperventilate.  You really love animals and do it anytime you see one as you try to get to it.  You also laugh whenever someone else laughs, and love to be tickled.  You are probably more hands-on and expressive than the other kids were.  You will randomly come sit in my lap, and either patty cake with your hands, or grab mine and make me do it.  You want me to sing the song to you.  And you are always pleased when I do.  Things that the others might have asked for, but didn't do.  I guess you need to be more visual since you don't talk much yet.

8/1/2018

Your personality has really blossomed over the last few months.  You love your siblings.  You think Britt is the funniest, like to sit in Ruth lap to watch tv, and play with Rebecca, but you sure do hate for them to pick you up and carry you around.  You have clear likes - vegetables and fruit of any kind, and clear dislikes - most meat.  You prefer to eat on the go and not be strapped down.  You love milk and water but hate cokes.  You seem to have developed a taste for lemons in the last week, taking them off everyone's cup and plates.  I think you have 12 teeth in now.  You had 5, almost immediately cut 4 molars, and then three more eye teeth.  You might be working on some more teeth this week, but I don't stick my hand in to find out any more.

7/22/2018

We turned your seat around, almost a month ago now.  You had figured out how to get your arms out the top of the harness and would roll most of the way over in the car seat in order to crane around to look at us.  Sometimes I wonder if you are a contortionist, even on the tightest setting you can climb out of the high chair.  You had nearly reached the limit on the car seat, but I wasn't quite ready to turn you.  Daddy is convinced that you fussed less facing backward, I think you just fuss alot in the car seat.  But we are on the go and it's not an option to be out of it, so we'll just live with the complaining.

5/25/2018

This week, I have washed up the 12 to 18-month clothes and packed up the 12-month clothes.  You may always be a petite thing on the short side, but you are growing.  And since your first haircut, you have only gotten more and more of the crazy curls.  I love you, our dainty little love.  You are such a joy to your Daddy and me.

Love,
Momma

8/24/2018

8-19-2018

8/19/2018

3/1/2018

3/31/2018

I can't tell that you've grown a lot this year.  You are still wearing the mixture of size 7 and 8 that we pulled out this time last year.  Though I think your face has lost a lot of the baby fat, you still have the prettiest round, fat cheeks and crinkly eyes like your Daddy.  You mostly look so much older owing to the haircut that you hate.  You just weren't taking good enough care of your long hair, and it was such a fight.  At least this way if you go a few days without brushing it out good, it's not a big deal.  I think your hair cut just makes you look even more like Memaw and Granna.  Two beautiful and sometimes feisty people, inside and out.

5/29/2018

5/18/2018

1/9/2018

4-17-2018

1/30/2018

5/5/2018

4/1/2018

5/21/2018