I stood there looking at the clothes hanging in the closet, and thought today is going to be the day. I reached out and picked up a green shirt, one I bought shortly before the last pregnancy. I found it on clearance for $3 at J.C.Penny's a thin summer shirt after fall was in full swing, it was my favorite color, with a pattern that made it easy to dress up, but still absolutely perfect with a pair of jeans. The absolute best kind of shirt. The kind that I wear at least once every week, maybe twice if I won't see the same people both days. I looked at it and thought today will be the day.
Then another green shirt came to mind, nearly the exact same shade, a maternity shirt that was new to me for Abigail's pregnancy. Where did I get it from, Bekah maybe? Some one else? I can remember the first time I pulled it out of the bag of maternity clothes. The perfect color, the ruffled neckline, that wasn't too low for a change. With a tie in the back, perfect for changing sizes, and oh so soft, just my style. I wore that shirt every week, before I even really needed to wear maternity clothes. And sometimes, if I thought I could get away with it, I wore it two days a week. I remember putting that shirt on the morning of the ultrasound, before Gary took the obligatory baby bump picture, for a post I had already begun to draft, one I've long since deleted as too painful to revisit. Then I thought no, I'm not big enough yet to really fill this shirt out. I'll save it for later in pregnancy, when I can get a good picture with this little one. And I folded it back up and put it in the cradle with all the other maternity clothes.
Instead I pulled out the black shirt with the grey stripe, just like on that morning when everything changed. One day I'll be ready to live life in color again. One day I'll put on more than the black or the grey or the white, and not feel like having a panic attack like I did on Friday night on the way to Old Carroll's annual meeting. I had my black dress on with red tights. I thought it was time, that I could do it. But the bright garish color felt all wrong, and it had me in a tailspin in the car. Maybe it'll be soon. I still have to wear Abigail's bracelet every day, or I carry it in my pocket, if Gary isn't here to put it back on for me after I take a shower. But, I don't have to wear her necklace every day now, and today I even chose to wear a different one, which is something I haven't done since we lost her. I'm getting there, even if it is so much slower than I would like.