I have posted all that much this October, though I have written a few blogs over on the blogspot. Tonight at 7pm is the Wave of Light, the idea is that from 7-8 pm in each timezone candles are lit to remember the babies and children who are gone, so that across the world a candle burns for 24 hours. I won't have Abigail's candle with me tonight, as it is packed up with everything else we own, but you can believe that I will find something for tonight.

Thanks to CarlyMarie who has once again done the prompts for #CaptureYourGrief and #WhatHealsYou and put together all the images that she has graciously shared that we can remember our sons and daughters, nieces and nephews, grandchildren as well as support others whose lives have been touched by PAILS (pregnancy and infant loss).

7. INHALE + EXHALE | Today is like a Capture Your Grief Free Day. This awareness month can become overwhelming quickly so instead of pouring your heart out, take today to look after yourself and your mental health. Be mindful of your breathing. Take some time out in nature today and just breathe. Recharge.

I will confess I've been struggling a lot in the last few months, so I decided back in September that I needed to get back into the practice of finding something each week in more ordinary life to be thankful for by make a spot in my planner each week. I'm always grateful for the kids and Gary, and over the years of unemployment I have learned to be very acutely aware of thankfulness for a job and food, etc. But what I am talking about is finding the little things to be thankful for, in the chaos of life. This week while I wasn't thankful to be out of a job, while I wasn't thankful to have to move again, while I'm not thankful that one of my children isn't here on earth with me, I am thankful that we are through moving out and cleaning out the house that we are moving out of. I am not thankful that we are all crammed in a camper in my inlaws yard, but I am thankful that they love us enough to give us a place to land till we find the next place. We don't have to be thankful for all the hardships and awful things in life, but we can be thankful for little things that make those things bearable.

There are alot of times that the lack of connection really bothers me. Not knowing the things that mothers should know about their children: their favorite colors, what they love to eat, how they like their hair, how they respond to challenges, etc. Early on in this experience I saw a number of pictures that in someway included the children who were gone. Whether it was a sunburst of light reflecting or the actual outline of a child. This year sortly before Abigail's birthday, a lady posted in our facebook loss group, that she too had lost a child, and that she know made these for loss parents. After talking a bit we learned that her daughter would have been around the age of our Abigail this year. And she took my photo and made this image for us. When I first opened it, I squawled, and squawled. It was so beautiful. For once I felt like I was looking at all of our family together. And for once I could really clearly imagine her. I sometimes try to imagine what she might be like, I like to imagine her with long stick straight red hair, and freckles all across her nose. But this picture just felt like so much personality. I could see her hair blowing in the wind off the waterfall. But it was clipped back half way, to show her round baby face. The sleeve of her shirt blowing too, and her in a skirt like all my girls. I loved the way that she was on tip toes with one foot rocked up under her. It was a tiny thing, but have me such a feeling of connection.

October begins again with PAILs Awareness.  This will always be dear to my heart, because we lost our daughter Abigail, our fourth child who was stillborn at 22 weeks.  Our daughter died.  There is no easy way to say that, no easy way to deal with that.  It is still every bit as bitter of a fact as it was the day we walked out of the ultrasound room.  Abigail was born August 25th and she would be 4 years old today.  She was due on New Year's Eve, and might have celebrated a birthday with her Mister.  I think of her daily, but especially in the month of October.

My Abigail,

Happy 3rd Birthday!  I finally feel like I've found some stable ground since losing you.  I think of you each and every day.  It is no different from the way I wonder about your siblings, and think of them when they are all gone for a week to the grandparents.  But you are gone a lot further away, for a lot longer.  There are still times that I cry, but they are pretty rare these days.

12/31/2017, Two years since your due date.

A few months ago, I went through a downright angry stage.  I spent a lot of time sulking and angry with God.  I'm not going to say I know everything about why He suffers some things to come to pass.  I will probably never fully understand His will and His providence, but I suppose my time of wrestling with it has at least left me with a peace about it.  I'm not going to lie I would wish you back here in a heartbeat.  Life here may be sinful and lousy compared to there, I have no doubt of it, but you are mine and I want to know you.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day with all my babies.

I do like to share what I do know of you though.  The other day, someone asked what you looked like and I got to play the proud parent, talking about your long dainty fingers, and your tiny little tongue, and the way that your feet were crossed.  How you were a thin little thing.  I tell everyone we meet that we have 5 children, though only 4 are here with us.  I talk about you to your siblings all the time.  Kate loves to play with the charms on your bracelet during Church, especially the handprint one, and I tell her all about her big sister that she can't see.

6/3/2018, We went out to check on Abigail after our long trip.

Ruth doesn't talk much about you but says she thinks about you a lot.  She likes to sometimes draw pictures of you with our family but always apologizes that they aren't very good because she doesn't know what you look like.  Sometimes she asks, but I never seem to have any good answers.

5/6/2018, The rain on International Bereaved Mother's Day matched my mood.

Britt probably talks about you the most.  When we were studying ancient India we read about a holiday where sisters make their brother a special bracelet out of brightly colored thread and small beads to show their love and respect, and the brother promises to always protect and look out for them.  He insisted that we make a bracelet for you too.  So he has a bracelet that Ruth made, Rebecca made, that he made for Kate, and a bracelet made from the leftover thread from the stocking I made for you.

12/24/2017, Merry Christmas Abigail.

Several months ago, when we first started studying ancient China.  We read a story of a baby who died and who the Buddha sent his mother to get a seed from a house that hadn't been touched by death to bring him back to life.  And after searching, she realized all are touched by death, gave up, and buried her son.  I asked them if that sounded like a comforting way to live.  And so we talked about you.  Rebecca, quite out of nowhere, and quite out of character for her, got hysterical and asked me if I would stop talking about you, that it made her sad.  I told her point blank.  No, I would not.  I asked how she would feel if I stopped talking about her.  I told her that I love all of my babies, and because I love them I talk about them.

2/4/2018, We finally remembered to bring Abigail's candy cane from Christmas to her.  And everyone ate them together.

Your Daddy misses you in the empty spaces of our lives.  He doesn't talk about it much, and he doesn't like to dwell on the what-ifs because to him it's all speculation, and he claims he doesn't have much of an imagination.  He has trouble seeing past the broken shell he held to imagine what you are doing now in heaven.  He doesn't like to share you with others, because he thinks you are too special, that you are ours.  Sometimes though he will point out things like you could have slept on the bottom bunk now, the one that is empty, and we would have had 3 girls in a room.  Sometimes I'm sure that he misses the more carefree person I was before, and the sense of completeness we had as a family, that is missing now.

12/24/2018, Momma and Daddy out at your swing.

Today we did I tried to stay busy.  We got alot done on our move.  The very first thing I unpacked and found a new home for was your things. I think with the longer shelf, that it actually looks better than before, everything is spaced out and so easy to see.  It made it feel a little more like home.  We picked up some cupcakes to come and share with you tomorrow after Church, and in the dark on the way back from the store, your birthday minute rolled around.  I told you happy birthday, while Daddy drove and everyone else was asleep in the car. I can almost see you in my mind almost shoulder length, stick straight, red hair.  Those fat baby checks.  With your Daddy's blue crinkly eyes.  Those fat, pudgy, still baby-like hands and feet.  I often wonder what your little voice would have sounded like.

5/13/2018, Mother's Day and my 33rd Birthday.

I hope you know how much you are loved.  Sometimes a pregnancy seems such a long time to get to see and know your child.  And over the years of raising them, you gradually learn more and more of who they are.  It's a wonderful process of discovery, to watch your children grow up.  I'll just have to wait a little longer than most to know you. As always you are loved and missed, but especially today.  Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven.

We love you,
Momma

5-6, Rainy Days.

Did you know that Mother's Day was begun by a woman with no living children, who wished to honor her deceased Mother?  However, alot of mothers feel overlooked when they have no living children.  Someone somewhere decided to name the Sunday before Mother's Day as the Sunday to recognize their motherhood.  So, these days I get to celebrate two Mother's Days one without Abigail, and one with the rest of our children.  Today, it was rainy and gloomy, about like my mood.

2-4, Abigail's new flowers which Britt picked out.

2-4, Her song.