In the last few months, we have received word of three different couples that we know, who have left the Church.  It has been discouraging and demoralizing to say the least.  We have known others who have left, we have had family members leave the Church.  None of my brothers are still in the Church today.  We have known those who have been treated badly by other members and left the Church hurt and discouraged.  We have known those who have been unwilling to live a life becoming of a Church member and had to be excluded.  We have known those who fall away because it isn't the most important thing in their lives.  We have known those who no longer believe the things that we hold dear.  We have known those who no longer feel that the Church has anything to offer their family.  Sometimes they leave the Church for another order of people, sometimes they leave organized religion all together, sometimes they just leave.

I think we know how sad a situation it is.  How they out on something precious even if they don't recognize it.  How much it leaves their natural family in the Church heartbroken.  But do we stop and consider what ripples of discouragement and pain it causes the Church as a whole.  I'm afraid too often, we think our actions don't affect others, or maybe we do recognize it, but don't feel like it matters.  I know I feel like I don't really matter to anyone outside of my own little family, and I'm guilty of thinking I then have no meaningful impact on others no matter what I do.

These three couples.  One couple I have known as long as I can remember, since I was a child.  While we played together as kids we also use to love to talk about the sermons we heard.  I felt like while we might disagree on the best way to apply scripture in our lives at times, that they would always be in the Church.  Another couple, I have known all my married life, and Gary has known longer.  At one time we were very close, largely due to our bond in the Church.  The final couple, we have both known for a long time, and though not super close, we have looked up to and admired them as Church members, people, and parents for a long time.  Some of these people were deacons or elders, some were the children of preachers.  All of them were people that we once thought couldn't be moved.

Gary and I laid in bed last night, talking late into the night about the heartbreak their leaving has caused.  And I have to wonder do they have any idea, just how much they will be missed?  How much their fellowship meant?  The sense of loss they leave behind?  Then I thought, if this is so vexing and grieving to us, how much more so must it be to God, when someone who has known the truth throws it aside as not worth the cost, or in favor of something else.  It brought to mind the following verses...

"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. He that despised Moses' law died without mercy under two or three witnesses:  Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace? " - Hebrews 10:23 -29

This isn't about their eternal salvation, God's children are his children no matter what they do in this life.  He didn't need our help to save us, and he doesn't need our help to keep us.  It is about the joy and fellowship they could have with him and his saints here, and how we feel that loss.  Gary said, it should serve as a reminder that anyone can be lead away.  And how it makes him wish that he could tell each couple, younger and older than us, members that are graduating high school and going out into the world, older stayed members, that he wanted to tell them all to hold the line.  You affect far more than you know.  There are blessings in this walk, both for you and for those around you.  Don't leave off.  We kinda laughed as a Captain America quote came to mind, about doing what is right,

Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. ... When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world -- "No, YOU move."

The quote was inspired by an older one by Mark Twain, but it is my belief that they both had Psalms 1:3 in mind, someone who thinks on the things of God and tries to honor and follow him, "And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."  I wish ever single member of the Church could truely grasp, that you matter to the Lord and those around you, your walk matters, and when you turn away it is heartbreaking to more than you know.

This view is even more special this year than in years past. We have been through unemployment at Christmas time but the kids were mostly too young to notice that they had a few presents from the grandparents and that was it. After 5 months of unemployment and eating through our emergency fund I had just resigned myself to another such Christmas. I know and they know it isn't about gifts but I do so enjoy watch them open them and really spoiling them once a year, since money is always so tight. And I felt bad that this was just one more thing that Covid was going to ruin for them this year. I knew some would be disappointed and take it well, but a couple wouldn't do as well. I was trying to figure out what we could do for nothing, after all in the grand scheme of things this was minor. We have food and still have the house. We aren't yet behind on any bills. When someone at Church reached out and told me to still let them make a list that the Church wanted to do Christmas for them. Other than a couple of things that they found for each other everything under this tree was a gift of love from our Church family. It is humbling and yet makes me feel like the most loved people out there. These people who also gave us a huge baby shower to get ready for the twins, and have helped us with expenses here and there. Rebecca looked at the tree last night after I had wrapped everything and said, "We have never had so many big presents! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" It is, just not for the reason she thinks.

Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it?  And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost. - Luke 15:8-9

I have no idea how many times I have read or heard preached the parable of the lost coin.  In the last year, I can recall a sermon at a meeting, contrasting the lost sheep (wandered away), the lost coin (lost through no action on it's part), and the prodigal son (willfully left).  It was a great sermon about the links that God goes to for his children.  Recently though I read some thoughts that gave me a little bit different point of view.

I have before read that the coin a drachma, which isn't worth all that much.  I have the argument that she must have been a poor woman, she had 10 of these coins, and so even though it wasn't worth much it was 1/10 of what she had (in contrast to 1/100 sheep or 1/2 sons).  Even so, I've wondered about it.  After all, even if it was a vast sum of money in her life, money can be earned again.  I've wondered if this coin has more significance than just a coin.

We had a wonderful day today.  Bro. Mark Quarrels was blessed with a really amazing sermon.  Kate slept through the entire thing, so I got to focus and take notes.  Gary and I had a great visit over lunch with two of my favorite people Bro. Randy and Sis. Paula, no matter what we are talking about I never fail to feel better about life after being around them, and they are always good for laugh.  We also got to visit with the Quarrels over lunch.  We then took the kids over to the Lakeland Fun Center between services.  A lot of the other families went, so we got to visit with more of our Church family, and other Church friends from Sister Churches that we don't get to see too often.

The best part was tonight though by far.  Though it is always a somber service, I came especially full of thanksgiving, because of the blessing of Kate.  For the first time in my life though I've seen both of the ordinances of the Church in one service.  We had two join the Church this morning.  And we were able to see Brother Chris baptize them, and then straight away enter into communion service.  Which was really joyful.  But then, for the first time I sat in communion with my daughter and I was surprised just how moving it was.  Ruth's first time, was last month while she was in Alabama.  We had talked about the service before, and she's seen it many times.  But getting to wash feet with her tonight, was unexpectedly emotional.  And it made me think of the times I've been privileged to wash feet with my Mother, and I wondered if it struck her like this.

Here was this sweet little girl, that what seems like a very short time ago I was holding in Tampa General.  A tiny, very round, helpless baby with dark hair.  This little girl who has grown from being able to do nothing on her own, to a girl who more than any child I've ever met is selfless and giving, who tonight was washing my feet.  After I washed her feet I told her that I loved her.  That I thank God He gave her to us, that I get to be her Momma.  That I'm thankful for her sweetheart, for her giving spirit.  I'm thankful that she loves the Lord, that she chose to follow Him.  That I hope she always choose to follow Him.  It was really beautiful service tonight, and my heart is just overflowing.

Ruth on Sunday 1-29-12 and Sunday 1-29-17. Hard to believe what a difference 5 years makes.

Ruth was baptized a few weeks ago. I'm not sure I have ever seen her quite so happy and giddy with excitement. But she is most always so happy it's hard to be sure. She out of nowhere Christmas day, while sitting in Church asked me if she could be baptized. I told her that we could talk about it after Church. But I was really surprised. Unlike Britt, which we saw coming from a mile away, we didn't see this coming. If anything Ruth who loves the people she sees at Church and the lunch she eats ever week there, has never cared for anything more than that. She has always been impatient for Church to be over, and gets this giddy little voice when she would tell me that it says "11:50, that means it's almost time for preaching to be over!"

We finished up the third Narnia book today, and I thought I would share my favorite part that I read aloud a few nights ago.  Shasta has just related how he feels to be "the unluckiest person in the whole world." He was orphaned, raised by an unkind man, chased by lions, in danger from bad men in a great city, slept among tombs, thought he was going to be eaten by wild beast, traveled across the great desert, had nothing to eat for a day, and was repetitively chased by lions. Then the lion, Aslan disagrees and tells him:

I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man Sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.

Asian tells him all of this as they are walking in the middle of the night in thick fog through the mountains. Two days later Shasta is crossing them again during the day and observes:

The hillside path which they were following became narrower all the time and the drop in their right hand became steeper. At last they were going in single file along the edge of a great precipice and Shasta shuddered to think that he had done the same last night without knowing it. "But of course" he thought, "I was quite safe. That is why the Lion kept on my left. He was between me and the edge all the time."

When I read it the other night it was a potent reminder that very often when things are seemingly at their worst that God is with us in the midst of things, even when we don't see him.  The providence of God is a wonderful comfort, even if it is hard to see and understand.  I know that there were times in underemployment that he providentially intervened impressing someone to send us a check when we had no way to pay the power bill.  He provided a job in Indiana when we couldn't have continued another day without it.  Literally, Gary ran out of gas on the way home from the interview, and we had no savings left, no money coming in, and no room left on the credit cards.  However, I don't for a minute think that we were without work for so long because the job He intended for us or planned for us, wasn't open yet.  We make choices while we live here and there are consequences for our actions now, and sometimes other people just don't chose you for a job.

Which brings me to another point, while I love the beauty of God intervening on behalf of his people.  I ABSOLUTELY hate it when I see people talking about how God has plans to prosper us.  They get this erroneous idea from the NIV translation of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The actual verse reads something entirely different, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."  God doesn't have plans for our daily lives, we have the ability to follow him, and grow and find blessings in that, or we have the ability to be disobedient and be chastened for that.  God predestined a particular people to be His people and did everything necessary to save them (see Romans 8).  However, he doesn't cause all things that come to pass.  He doesn't work evil to bring good from it.  That would merely make us puppets on a string, and that would bring no glory to God.

In Jeremiah 29, God is telling the nation of Israel that they are going into captivity and that it's not going to be an afternoon trip.  They are going to be there for 70 years, so they are to build houses, work, establish a home, pray for those in power.  But that at the end of that time of punishment and exile that He will allow them to return home.  They will not live always away.  That is the immediate context, the long term context is that at the end of our life time here in this world, we too are going to return home, and our expected end will be in Heaven with Him.

How shallow and foolish of us today in America to assume that God has plans to divinely intervene and prosper us and no harm will come to us.  Do we fail to consider his children throughout history and in the rest of the world today?  People who right now are being beheaded and persecuted for being Christian.  And I don't mean persecuted because someone hurt their feelings when they said something not nice, but literally loosing their livelihood, literally losing their very lives.

I don't think God took my daughter.  I don't think he is in the business of doing cruel and evil things.  I don't think it's some grand plan for my good.  I do think, even though like Shasta I have at times felt like, I'm the unluckiest person in the world, He was with me.  I haven't always seen Him, but like Shasta in the fog in the darkest midnight on a cold and lonely path, I have felt Him.  I am sure that there have been times that He has intervened in my life and directed me, like Shasta and Aravis were steered together.  There have been times He has comforted me, like the cat comforted Shasta.  And no matter how bad things get here, after all we've been promised "in this world ye shall have tribulation" (john 16:33), I have an expected end, after this life is over.

Some of you may know that we went back to Old Carroll for our spring meeting.  If you are ever in the general DC area on Sunday morning you should definitely head out to Point of Rocks.  Some of the best people you'll ever meet are there.  The Church is an interesting group, since many of them are transplants.  Some of us came from Florida, some from Texas, some from the Appalachian mountains, a few are local originally.  But even better than who you see there, the Lord is there.  He has blessed the Church immeasurable over the last several years, and we've seen alot of growth spiritually, and had new members join as well.














Fourth Sunday in March this year, also happened to be Easter, so we had a great weekend together, followed by communion.  Bro. Ronnie Loudermilk and Bro. Chris Crouse were the invited ministers.  Gary and I left South Florida about 6 pm Thursday night, and after an all night drive and a short 45 minute nap in a Waffle House parking lot we arrived at Sis. Bonnie's house around noon.  Gary got him a couple hour nap in a chair and I got a shower and then for the rest of the weekend we crammed in all the fellowship with all the people that we could.  Friday afternoon and evening there were some good scriptural conversations and debates.  Saturday afternoon there was lots of catching up and goofing off while the kids all played.  And Sunday time to leave came too soon.  We had a great time.














Friday night Bro. Ronnie preached first on our "Common Salvation." After traveling all over the Bible to establish that the word common means something that we all share, he used Jude 3 to prove that the common salvation means all who have it get it in the same way, and that is through the shed blood of Jesus Christ, without any effort on our part.  He then showed us if we have that common salvation, it should lead us to live a fruitful life.  We have to get in the fight by being baptized.  We learn what we fight for by reading and studying.  We fight against our sinful nature. And we fight using the spiritual weapons we have by putting on the whole armor of God.  Bro. Chris followed him by preaching on "Moses: a picture of Christ." Deu 18:18 "I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him." He showed 9 parallels between the two 1) at their births many children died, 2) but their lives were preserved, 3) tried over 40 years and 40 days, 5) endured murmurings, 6) displayed power over the sea, 6) fed many, 7) at times they couldn't be viewed due to the glory of God on them, 8) had 70 helpers, and 9) both reappeared after their deaths.  But in all the ways that Moses was a picture of Christ who would come, there was a key difference.  Moses fell short and didn't enter into the land, but Christ accomplished his work entirely and he entered into his rest.  And that is grounds for great celebration on our part.



Saturday morning Bro. Chris spoke first on the topic of "Communion with Christ."  He encouraged us to consider out uplook, and not be only looking in.  That when we focus on our selves and our problems and troubles we easily become discouraged.  However we should have a common union with Christ, and that is our fellowship with him.  He is a faithful high priest and we can have a relationship with God thanks to him.  Bro. Ronnie then followed him on the "Suffering of Christ."  He laid out three types of suffering that Christ experienced emotional/mental, physical, and spiritual.  He experienced emotional and mental pain when he was lonely and again when he was betrayed by a kiss.  The physical pain is something that horrifies us all when the Bible describes the crown of thorns, his body beaten, furrows of a whip, driving nails, and hung on a cross so marred that he didn't even look like a man anymore.  But the greatest suffering was his spiritual pain on the cross he suffered our hell, he was forsaken of God and for the first and only time, there was a break in communion with God.  And all to accomplish salvation for us.  Bro. Ronnie told us that we should respond to this with greater obedience, a looser grip on the world, a tighter grip on Jesus, and be constrained not to sin.



Saturday afternoon only Bro. Ronnie preached since he needed to catch a plane.  His subject was "Israel and all that He Hath."  In a very short time, he preached from Genesis 46, showing Jacob/Israel as a picture of Christ and us.  He showed how Israel took all that he had on the journey, none were left behind.  Just like one day Christ will take all of his people to heaven, there will not be a single child of God lost or forgotten or left behind on that journey.  Just like Joseph and his children were already in the land of Egypt, some of God's people are already in Heaven, but one day we will all be there together.  He also showed that Jacob was carried there, being old and unable to carry himself, and we will be carried there, since we are unable to carry ourselves.  He also showed how Jacob was satisfied when he arrived and saw Joseph.  When we all arrive in Heaven and see our Savior's face we too will be satisfied!


Sunday morning Bro. Chris preached on "God of the Hills and the Valleys"  beginning in I Kings 20:20.  Over several Sundays now (a few months at least) he has been preaching on the attributes of God at Little Union: God of hope, God of Peace, God of Love, God of All Comfort, etc.  I've really enjoyed the sermons, and gone back to listen to many of the ones that I had missed when we visited other places.  This sermon just fit right with those.  He showed us how God is with us in the valley of tears and cares for us when we are weeping and mourning (Psa 84:5 among other verses),  He is also with us in the valley of bravery, when though afraid we go forward in trust (Num 13).  He can bless the valley of trouble to bring peace and hope (Joshua 7).  He goes with us in the valley of the shadow of death (Psa 23).  In the "valley of the mighty oak" He becomes our defender and gives us strength (I Sam 17).  He also is in the valley of blessing, where we see through no power or strength of our own he defeats our enemies.  It is easy to see God when we are on the mountain when we are in the middle of the best Church sermon we've ever heard, when we have no problems, plenty of money, no stress or illness, but God is with us through all the miserable parts of life as well, and because of that I've found they aren't so miserable as I initially feared.



Immediately following morning services we had communion.  It was very special for Gary.  Many of the Churches in the Northern Virginia area, for whatever reason do not wash feet.  There is a very dear brother down there that visits us a lot at Old Carroll, and Gary has begged him every communion for the last few years to allow Gary to wash his feet.  He has always said no, but for the first time ever he washed feet with Gary that Sunday, and it made our day.  It was also very sweet for me to again sit in communion together with Old Carroll.  Last time we had communion, was in October and it was the weekend after Gary interviewed for the job here in Florida, but before they made an offer.  I picked him up from the airport on Friday and we booked to Old Carroll for the weekend.  It is unbelievable what has changed in that length of time.  It was good not only to think on all the Lord has done for us in taking the Lord's supper, but it was also a great blessing to think of all this little Church has done for us as we served one another and washed feet.  And then before I knew it service was over.














After services, we inhaled lunch, and got on the road about 2.  We caravaned with the Crouses as far as Savannah, GA about midnight.  We waved to them as they got off their exit, and we continued south.  We pulled in our driveway at 6:15, and Gary had just long enough to clean up before hopping back in the truck to go to work.  That evening after work and baseball games, I told him we are getting to old to be doing this.  But we both agreed we were VERY glad we went.

I recently finished reading "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" by Elder Michael Gowens​.  Santa bought it from Sovereign Grace Publications​ for me in my book bag and stocking this past Christmas.  I've been reading it a chapter at a time, and studying many of the verses that he uses in each chapter.  And it's been incredibly helpful.  I'd recommend it to anyone.  There are a lot of good things in it.  And even though I read the chapter on grief about three different times in the last 2 months, I find many of the other topics just as pertinent.  After all grief for me has brought loneliness and fear, has heightened anxiety, and mostly been an intense battle with depression.

This has been an incredible help as I muddle through this experience.  The days that I read a chapter or spend some time studying out the verses typically have been my better days.  It's been a help in applying verses I knew with my head, but weren't feeling and implementing in my heart.  I want to share one especially helpful section near the very end on hope.  I'll share the first paragraph for the context of the second...

Consider an Old Testament example of how hope saves the believer from despair.  Jeremiah reached the point of hopeless despair as he walked in the smoldering ruins of Jerusalem.  He cried, "My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord" (Lam. 3:18).  Suddenly, like Hopeful, he was startled by an epiphany.  As a man half amazed he remembered something else: "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not;" (Lam. 3;21-22).  Hope replaced hopelessness when he realized that though the destruction around him was significant, yet life remained.  He was still alive, as well as many, many others.  The nation had not been annihilated.  Indeed, the temple was gone, but the people themselves had not been wiped out.  Life remained, and the mercy of God remained in fresh supply at the beginning of each new day.  This salutary reminder gave him hope to face the unknown tomorrow.

It will give you hope to face the unknown tomorrow as well when you focus your mind on the things that remain, not the things you have lost.  Life remains, Today remains.  His mercy for today remains.  His promise remains.  His love remains the same, whether in sunshine or in shadow. (emphasis mine)

It was unbearable to have to give birth to a baby that was gone.  It's unbearable to have to continue each day without her.  Children eventually bury their parents, you don't expect to bear your babies.  But "His mercies are new every morning" and make each day bearable.  It isn't having other kids that helps, it isn't having my own health that helps, it isn't things that help but feeling and knowledge of His love.  More than any one other thing, reading and studying what God has to say about everything helps.

The other thing I have done in working through my grief, is actually setting aside some time to think about everything that happened and to think about Abigail now.  I quickly figured out that my tendency to stuff my feelings and do things that need doing, lead to worse days and they happened more frequently.  The truth is that it's easy to stay busy with three living children, homeschooling, cook, and housekeeper.  She is always in the back of my mind, but I can't get things done when I dwell on it.  And yet I still need to.  Sometimes I do that by writing in her journal, sometimes I do that by working on her stocking.  I even signed up for two grief workshops and have some art journaling prompts similar to the writing project I did back in October.

It may sound crazy to "schedule" grieving time, but I find that when I work on these things.  I give myself permission to make sense of the things I hated about the experience, things that the hospital did that didn't help, things I should have done that I didn't know to do.  It helps to give myself permission to wonder what she would have been like, and to wonder what she is doing right now.  It helps to go over and over and over in my mind the things I know about Heaven to place her there.  It helps to figure out what this mess is that I currently am.  I've cried and begged Gary to fix me, that I don't like me, that I want to be where he is, since he's "over it."  He of course can't, only I can work through this, grief is very lonely in that way.

Flipping through the radio channels on the tv tonight, because that's how I use the tv as a glorified radio.  The money is totally wasted on me, we have tv for Gary.  Anyway, flipping through the radio channels tonight, I perked up when an Avalon song was on that came out back when I was in highschool, about the time a friend, Kristi I think introduced me to Christian rock, pop?  Whatever you call it.  It was a song I liked alot back then, the idea of being willing to testify or speak or praise God throughout my life, just like everything we see in creation.  Of course I was also in 7th grade when it came out, and thought the song had great positive feeling music, with great harmony.  However, when I heard the song again, a different set of words just blew me away, "I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough."

I have hoped in some small way, to live to see that Abigail's life mattered, even if it was a very tiny and short one.  If in someway she brings glory to God, in the way that we handle her loss, then ... It's not that it makes it better or ok in someway, but I suppose it helps to see good come from the bad.  And while I have tried so hard to sort through everything and make sense of everything that I feel by writing, almost obsessively you might say, the words are not enough.  Oh, I blog, sometimes I share snippets of things on facebook, I journal daily in my planner, and I have Abigail's journal.  I have lots of words, I supposed if I could ever get what it is that needs to be said, said, then I could just put up the pen.  The problem is the words are not enough.  They are never enough.

Recently a sister in the Church passed away, a woman I've never met but who lives in vibrant detail in countless stories that I've heard.  Someone who was like a sister to Gary's grandmother, a woman who they all call Aunt.  As we have talked and made plans to go up for the funeral, I wondered what I could say.  It brought the very real panic and feelings of losing Abigail back to the forefront of my mind.  The utter worthlessness of words at that point, the rarity of anything that is said penetrating the fog, and sticking with you.  The despair of hearing "I'm so sorry" over and over and over and over.  And yet we feel that we have to say something.  I wondered during a long drive what I would say, I wondered what I would have said to myself.  Maybe that is all we are really grappling for in these situations, words for ourselves?  Somehow hoping that what we think we would need is what others need.  Maybe that's why we stink at speaking to others in their loss before we experience it.  We have no idea what it is and what we need.

I have thought that what I would say is "It's not ok, but it will be well.  There will always be a huge hole, but that is ok too.  You will be lonely, but He never leaves us alone.  I know, because I'm there."  And maybe, others can see that, maybe when others look in, those silences say volumes.  Maybe the silences will speak to what words cannot.

Here we are rolling over into 2016. Sayonara 2015, you absolutely STUNK!

So, for a review of last year's resolutions.

• We did manage to reduce our debt, and cash flow unemployment, nearly all of the big move, and with the generous support of so many the burial of Abigail.  We didn't pay cash for the car, but the loan we took out was tiny.  It will be paid off just making the minimum payments this year, and the interest rate is so low that the bank will have made a whopping $11 dollars off of us.  I can live with that, even if Dave Ramsey wouldn't.  I am happy with how much progress we made on the debt.  Everything I had planned to do by the end of the year we were finished with in July, to the tune of $20,427.47.  For the most part I am happy with that.  We might have used about half of what Gary made this year, to get rid of debt.  Not too shabby since we also have 3 kids.  Of course with the layoff we didn't do much after that, other than to cash flow the move to the tune of $5,186.46.  One of the unspoken reasons why we wanted a bigger vehicle was to have another baby.  I suppose we made that goal too, even if it wasn't the way anticipated.

• I also managed to improve my time management.  It's an area I feel like can always stand to be improved.  My planner has been a big help in that regard.  (Seriously, that EC Planner has been one of the BEST buys I have ever made. If you think you are interested follow the link and you and I both get $10 off if you buy one.)  Gary tells me that I do ALOT, so I must be doing fine in that area, but I always feel like I don't get enough done, and I don't have time for so many of the things I want to do for all the things I have to do.

• I feel like I met the majority of my schooling goals over the spring, to finish out the school year.  This year was going really well for the first 2.5 months too.  We took off from co-ops in the spring, and only did one in the fall.  I was intentional about picking out field trips, and making the most of opportunities when we were job hunting with Gary, and staying on target when we were home.  We have addressed alot of character stuff, but as always new things crop up in their place.

• One of my biggest successes I think has been in handling my temper and interactions with the kids.  I have for several years now, tried to be better about not yelling.  And you know what, losing a child that you will never be able to say "I love you" to, makes not yelling at the ones you do have infinitely easier.  I still rarely lose my temper with them over defiance, and having to repeat myself a million times.  But I can count on one hand the times that has happened in the last 5 months, and it doesn't equal me yelling.  What burns me up now more than anything, is the rage I feel when I hear someone else screaming at their kids.  It is pretty irrational, but hey, try losing a child, and then we'll talk about my irrational anger with other parents and medical professionals.  But I digress, I continue to hope to improve, to better model what I expect behavior wise from my children, but I'm not going to list it on my resolutions next year.

• My biggest failing this year, has been with my Bible reading and studying.  I started off well with the Church's reading, but had fallen off the wagon by mid year.  My own studies have been sporadic at best, and I didn't really start with any of them till after we lost Abigail.

Merry Christmas, Abigail,

Today marks 4 months since the last time we held you, since we said hello and goodbye.  I tucked your siblings into bed the other night and Rebecca asked me to sing her song.  Each of them have their own song, that your Daddy and I have sung them since they were tiny.  Sometimes we sung them over and over to get them to go to sleep, or to stop fussing in the car when they were over whatever car trip we were on.  Britt's is "Amazing Grace."  Ruth's is "Grace Tis a Charming Sound."  Rebecca's is "Sweet Hour of Prayer." I was sad to think we wouldn't do that with you but then I was happy to think that you do have a song, "Be Still My Soul" and your Daddy did sing it to you there in the hospital room.

Merry Christmas, even if I'm not that merry this year.  I wonder do you celebrate Christmas in heaven?  Oh I know that Christmas isn't really this time a year so the season is all wrong.  And I know that eternity is without time.  I cannot truly fathom what a world without time is like.  I suppose every day (or all day?) is really a celebration of His birth, life, and atoning death.  There have been times this Christmas when I've been unable to sit down and do our Advent ornaments with your siblings.  I have made your Daddy retell some of the stories instead.  It's hard to see your absence everywhere I look.

I still miss you intensely but most days the pain isn't so acute. I like how another writer put it "like a constant melody, your name pouring through my mind, on repeat. Your memory the undercurrent of my days."  Last week, a friend of mine who was due just a few weeks before me had her little boy.  He's a beautiful little thing, but it struck me for the first time that I should be about to meet you.  I have been ignoring your due date, only thinking of time in reference to the moment we lost you.

I find my thoughts most often turn to heaven when I think about you.  I wonder what it is like there.  What is it that you see.  In 6th grade we had a project, for Mrs. Stevenson I think, in reading.  We created a book of poems and things.  We had to illustrate them too.  One of the topics was what we though would be the perfect day.  I remember drawing pictures of people having a snowball fight in swim suits.  Because the temperature was perfect, not hot and not cold, and you could do literally anything, because the snow wouldn't melt and the water was always warm.  For some reason that came to mind a few weeks ago, and I wondered is that what Heaven is like, perfect for everything?  Your brother asks alot what Heaven will be like.  What do we eat?  Are there animals?  What will we do?  Do we have houses?  Will there be toys there? I find myself unable to answer his questions, let alone my more complex ones.  What are our relationships like there?  Will we know Him as we are known, or does that verse mean that we will know everyone as He knows us, or just finally know and understand ourselves, or that we will have perfect knowledge like He has?  How is it that we will know so much and obvious have a clear understanding of the sinners we are, and yet can truely forgive ourselves and be satisfied?  Will we have fellowship with one another in Heaven, or just be together, but in individual worship and communion with Him?  How can I enjoy finally meeting you, when the focus isn't on us but Him?  This is one I wrestle with alot.

Heaven is on my mind alot since losing you and not for the right reasons.  Going sooner rather than later is more attractive now.  I suppose it isn't unlike older Church members I've heard say that they are more anxious to go than they use to be when the heartache and loss here begin to outway all they know and love that is there.  The realization that EVERYONE will meet you before me, also sometimes digs like a knife.  If the natural order of life isn't interrupted.  Your great grandparents and grandparents will be gone before me.  Sometimes I think that since eternity exists outside of time, we all sort of arrive at the same time.  That we all arrive, and then head off to pick up the rest of His people in the Resurrection.  But then I don't know.  I have always been very curious, and had a desire to learn more, about most everything but math (ha!), I suppose most of this questions I'll just have to learn to live with.

Love,
Momma

10-21-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 21, Sacred Space

I haven't really had a place to go and "be" with Abigail. I have a shelf in our bedroom at home with a few things on it. And we have her grave, but since we have been living in PA and she's buried back home at Little Union in Florida, I've not "seen" her since we left after the funeral. When her stone is placed it will face this beautiful giant, live oak in the back of the Church yard. I like to think about hanging a swing out there on that perfect branch. It would be something old fashioned looking, made of board and rope. I like to think about sitting out there on that swing, and praying. I haven't talked to her, but it's a good place to pray. I like to think about all the other kids who run around that yard playing, swinging on it. I like to imagine her still connected and part of us even though she's gone. It's a happy thought.

10-20-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 17, Secondary Losses and Day 20, Forgiveness and Humanity

Today has been my first really good day since loosing Abigail, and I feel like shouting "finally!" Like I actually felt like myself and enjoyed most of my day. Tonight I'm going to tackle a two for one.

For me my secondary loss is not directly because of our first loss, but has compounded my grief. I have always approached each of our upcoming moves with great excitement, the adventure of something new, the next chapter in our lives. But I have really agonized over this one, and have deeply grieved over the leaving our Church and I may have cried more this week than I have for Abigail. I'm scared to death about this move, and that's not like me at all. I have made a few really good friends, which really isn't easy for me, and I don't want to leave them either. Perhaps my secondary loss isn't so much losing my support group, because while it's not the same, we can keep in touch, it's losing my sense of self. I just don't feel like me at all.

For me I'm trying each day to forgive those who miss managed my pregnancy. Hypothyroid issues have been known to increase miscarriage 225% for 25 years now. It's very simple to manage, and with medicine makes the chances no higher than they previously were. Having all the testing that told us there was no problems with her, leads us to believe that it was my thyroid. And that if it had been properly managed she'd still be here. That realization is very difficult to swallow. I think the lack of coordinated care, is why all the warning signs were not noted and managed. I think it will continue to be a struggle for me to forgive them. And in some ways it's a struggle to forgive myself, for all the things I didn't do. I should have been more active in my own care, and not just leaving everything to someone else. I just tell myself that I'm human, and I did the best I knew to do at the time, next time will be different.

10-15-2015, Me and the kids doing school, on a field trip at the old Jamestown Fort in VA.

10-13-2015, Capture Your Grief - Day 13, Regrets and Triggers

Oh regrets are a dime a dozen when you've lost a child. I wish I had seen an endocrinologist years ago and this wouldn't have happened, I wish my thyroid had been properly managed.

As for regrets with our stillbirth. I wish I had better known about things I could have done to make memories. The midwife on the phone told me that they would tell me everything when I arrived. I should have been give more information before hand. I regret rushing to deliever her. When she had already been gone for 2-3 weeks, there wasn't going to be much change in her physically if we had waited a little longer to learn our options. I most regret the lack of good pictures. Our nurse offered to take some, but I didn't look at the settings on the camera, which was still set up for night photograph. All our pictures she took are over exposed and blurry. By the time I realized and took a few pictures her appearance had changed alot. We didn't call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, even though they had agreed to come, because we didn't feel like they could get very good pictures due to her condition and young gestational age. I wish we had of though. I wish I had a few good pictures. I wish I had insisted on them trying to get me some footprints and handprints. They didn't come out and say they couldn't, but they didn't, and I just assumed it was because of her fragile state and tiny size. I also regret that no one else held her and saw her. Our families lived way off, states and states away, and we thought the kids were too young to understand what they were seeing. But I we had waited longer, we could have had family there. I think now it would have been better to share her with a few people. We weren't able to do that at her funeral.

I really don't have any triggers, after all she's on my mind all the time still. I do think of her alot when we sing Church songs. I like to think when we are singing praises to God here, she is also singing there at the same time. I especially think of her when I hear or sing or think about the song "Be Still My Soul." We had it playing in the car on the way to the ultrasound that changed our lives. The third verse is especially meaningful now.